Month: December, 2010

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

my mother complains ALL THE TIME! I want my old mom back…

December 29, 2010

My 88- year- old  mother only talks about herself now – that is complains.  Her legs are weak, her new partial does not fit, her shoulder still aches, she doesn’t taste her food, she can’t hear me, her dog’s haircut was “lousy”, she feels tired all the time, the neighbor across the street still parks in front of her house, the doctors don’t know anything, workmen are not like they used to be, tells me how to drive, did I lock the doors – and this is on a good day!

I feel for my mom because she has the onset of dementia. She is forgetful. If I get a medication to help her (aricept) she complains that she takes enough medications and refuses to add a new one (even thought it would help her mind).

I also got her  a medication to help her mood (effexor),  which she also refuses to take.  Of course, these were prescribed  and  recommended by her doctor.

She used to be a happy, outgoing person. It’s very sad. Selfishly, I try to get away at times to keep my sanity (the gym really helps!).  This is one of the times I wished I had a sister to help. I speak with my mom several times a day and see her at least four times a week. One of my brothers calls  her, on occasion. The other brother helps out by bringing food. She is old-fashioned and thus more appreciative of the little they do as sons and highly critical of anything and everything I do for her as a daughter. WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?

My mom thinks I don’t listen to her – but she repeats and repeats and repeats things she tells me in the same day.

I respect anyone out there who is in this situation and can only hope you can handle it better than I can.

I do love my mother.   I just want my old  mother back!

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promises to my dad

December 22, 2010

victorian teacupToday we debated whether to keep Dad’s appointment with the eye doctor. Normally he’s unsteady but today the caregiver could barely transfer him to a wheelchair for the ride. We weren’t sure we could get him into the exam chair. The doctor was an hour behind schedule, so we chatted in the waiting room—Dad, the caregiver and me.

I leaned over to tell the caregiver, “I finally sold their buffet on Craigslist!” It displayed  their china and crystal, a few tokens left of all the stuff accumulated over 67 years of marriage. It’s too big for their tiny apartment. A few weeks ago Mom fell into it, and hurt herself badly. It had to go.

The waiting room conversation went on to something else and my mind had moved on, when Dad said, “You didn’t sell my chest, did you?” “What chest?” I said, thinking of the cedar chest they’d given to a granddaughter. It took him a while to find the words—“the one with the glasses in it.” I said, yes, I had sold the buffet, but the buyer couldn’t pick it up for a couple of weeks. My dad looked at me, clearly anguished. “I think I’m going to cry.”

My heart sank. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be okay. That I would let him make as many decisions as possible for himself. That I would never, ever make him move to a nursing home. That I’d always talk to him with respect. That he really is still the same guy who could build anything, cook for a crowd, study on his own to get his engineering credentials. Just stuck in a body that doesn’t work so well and a mind that won’t process information on demand.

So many losses. So little control of anything in his life.

It wasn’t the buffet, of course. It was the contents. I promised I’d come up with a way to display his beloved Belgian crystal, bought when he was a GI in WWII.

It’s not the body either, is it? It’s the man living inside. It’s the accumulation of 91 years of living—of memories and accomplishments, of woundedness and strength of character and of love and relationships forged over a lifetime.

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the harder road: elder caregiving alone or with siblings

December 15, 2010

What happens when you are an only child and become the caregiver for your elderly parents? I remember the stress and trauma my own mother went through dealing with my grandparents through illness, trauma, dying and death. In the Oct. 19th, 2010 issue of the New York Times, Paula Span addresses “Caregiving Without Siblings”. In the article she first profiles Regina Milgram-Bossong, who acknowledges that “she has it easy” right now. Her parents who are in their 80’s and despite medical problems and surgeries, they still live independently. What she dreads is what she can foresee coming in the not too distant future. As an only child, she will be facing some tough decisions and times ahead alone, with no one else to talk to.

At the other end of the spectrum is Margaret Reiss, whose parents are in their 90’s and also  live in their own home. They are starting to fail. She has two siblings and tempers are flaring as life changing decisions for her parents will need to be made soon.

The question addressed is “Which is the harder road: shouldering a sometimes crushing responsibility on your own? Or battling with siblings at a time when working together is crucial?

Span, author of “When the Time Comes: Families with Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions” weighs both sides. Equally as thought provoking, however, are the more than 60 reader comments which follow the article on-line, giving real insight into the issues that surround this hefty question.

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elder stress & the holidays

December 8, 2010

menorahI recently had a conversation with a close friend about dealing with anxiety and depression in elderly parents during the holidays, as well as our own tensions at this time of year. Both her mother-in-law and mine are widows and November through December seems to be a particularly stressful, depressing time for them, even though they are surrounded with family at Thanksgiving and, in our case, Chanukah. Not only does the season remind them of their loss but the entire family feels the absence of an integral member.

Sibling issues can also get heated at this time of year, especially when an out of town brother or sister comes to visit and, offering what they think of as advice, is instead taken as unasked for criticism by the care-giving family member. Misunderstandings intensify and the fight is on.

Add that to the caregiver’s stress of shopping for presents, planning, cleaning and cooking for holiday gatherings, transporting a parent during inclement winter weather, kids home for the holidays… and it is no wonder that the ho-ho-ho has literally been sucked out of the holidays.

Christmas TreeSo, how do we get a handle on our stress and help our parents with theirs? We agreed that if we take care of ourselves by planning ahead and not biting off more than we can handle (delegate!), ask for help, really make a concerted effort to listen to our own feelings and in turn, be a good listener (not a reactor) to others, then we’d be on the right track. We also need to be mindful that the holidays represent a change in the daily schedule and can be overwhelming for an elderly parent – try to stay tuned in to their needs. Just make sure that they have something as simple as a comfy chair; keep an eye out for fatigue and a readiness to head home. It can make the day so much more enjoyable for all.

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The Complete Guide to Managing Your Parents’ Finances When They Cannot (Paperback)

December 3, 2010

The Complete Guide to Managing Your Parents’ Finances When They Cannot:What happens when handling the finances becomes an overwhelming burden for aging parents? Many transfer their funds to children or other family members and multi-millions are lost each year in the ensuing confusion. If you find that you are the one taking on financial responsibility, we suggest taking a look at Bill Swan’s “The Complete Guide to Managing Your Parents’ Finances When They Cannot: A Step-by-Step Plan to Protect Their Assets, Limit Taxes, and Ensure Their Wishes Are Fulfilled. Available through Amazon (copyright 2010), it really is an organized “how to” with chapters to guide you through the basics of money management, discussing money issues with your parents, how to deal with the stress of financial care-giving, and financial and legal procedures. From medical bills to taxes, wills, trusts and burials, the book walks you through each in well explained yet easy to understand terms. It also includes worksheets to get you started. A truly valuable resource guide.

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tips on talking to your aging parent

December 1, 2010

While researching home care service options for seniors, in response to a blog query, we ran across www.helpguide.org This site addresses a number of crucial topics from mental & emotional health to family relationships. One topic that caught our attention was their tips on how to discuss challenging topics with your aging parents.

  • Try to find the real reasons behind resistance. A seemingly resistant loved one could be frightened that he or she is no longer able to do tasks that were formerly so easy, or chronic untreated pain may be making it difficult. It might be more comfortable to deny it and minimize problems. Perhaps he or she is grieving the loss of a loved one, or frustrated at not being able to connect with friends. If your loved one has a hard time getting out and is losing support, he or she is also at risk for depression.
  • Express your concerns as your own instead of accusing. A loved one might be more open to your honest expressions of concern. For example, instead of saying “It’s clear you can’t take care of yourself anymore. Something needs to be done”, try “I’ve really been worried about you. It hurts me to think that you might not be getting everything you need. What do you think we should do?”
  • Respect your loved one’s autonomy and involve him or her in decisions. Unless your loved one is incapacitated, the final decision about care is up to him or her. You can help by offering suggestions and ideas. For example, what home care services might bridge the gap? If you’re worried that home care might not be enough, what other options are available? You can frame it as something to try temporarily instead of trying to impose a permanent solution.
  • Enlist other help. Does your loved one know others who have used home care services, or have had to move? Talking to others who have had positive experiences can sometimes take out some of the fear of the unknown. You may want to consider having a meeting with your loved one’s doctor or hire a geriatric care manager. Sometimes hearing feedback from a disinterested third party can help a loved one realize that things need to change.

Reprinted with permission from Helpguide.org © 2001-2010. All rights reserved. For more articles in this series, visit www.Helpguide.org.

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