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My intent was never to become a caregiver. I have always been a career girl, encouraged by my parents to be self-sufficient and independent. Never, they’d say, ever EVER would they lean on me in their old age. At the same time, I have always been a pleaser – wanting everyone to be happy and having a difficult time saying “no”. Lately, this combination has become toxic.
Last year my parent’s health began to decline. As they lived in another city, I was always dashing back and forth when I would receive a frantic “emergency” phone call. Yes, I’d be there. Yes, I would drop everything in this crisis. Yes, I’d cook. Yes, I’d call the doctors. Yes, yes, yes… As an only child, I had no other siblings to rely on. It became apparent that my parents were increasingly becoming less able to care for themselves and that they just didn’t want to try. My mother, in particular, suddenly went from being the one in charge to the one who had no interest in anything but her needs! When I hired help to come into their home, the cost quickly shot through the roof, close to $10,000 a month.
Soon it made more sense to move them closer to where I live. I selected a retirement home that had both independent and assisted living, which I thought would please my parents. It is a lovely place with lots of activities, transportation, beautiful surroundings and a seemingly caring staff. However, my parents refuse to use the transportation and participate in any activities except the nightly dinners provided in the dining room. I soon found myself doing their shopping, driving them to endless doctor’s appointments and such. Have I enabled them – yes? In my need to please, my life has turned into a nightmare, affecting myself, my work and my family life. Do I know how to extricate myself – no? No matter how hard I try to push them to take charge of any part of their own lives, they refuse to do so.
So what do I do? Refuse to take them anywhere? It is easy to say set boundaries, but much harder to follow through. When I try, they just sit there and don’t make any effort. Is there anyone out there who has or is going through the same experience? While I know I am responsible for creating my own hell, I am truly reaching out to you for help…..
Joleen Burgess
/ September 21, 2011I can identify! Eventually my parents got legitimately needy, and then it was easier on me–emotionally, at least. We hired a caregiver, initially to do the kinds of things you are doing now: grocery shopping, managing medications, transporting them places and sitting in on doctors appointments with them. I would meet them at the doctor’s office if it was important for a family member to be there, but mostly the caregiver could relay to me anything I needed to know. The caregiver might work just a few hours a couple days a week as needed.
The issue would be selling the idea to your parents. Let them know you would love to be free to just be a daughter–visit with them, take them out to dinner, the fun things. Plus, if they are paying for help, they might just find the wherewithal to do a few things for themselves.
My father just passed away, and, if you are in Seattle, I know a couple of amazing caregivers who might be available if you snap them up quick. joleenburgess[at]hotmail.com.
Yvonne
/ December 28, 2011It’s easier for me to have compassion when someone isn’t able to care for themselves and truly needs help. It’s much harder (and tends to create a great deal of resentment on my part) when a parent won’t try to help themselves at all or take any responsibility for being part of the solution.
That’s when I have to pull back for awhile and figure out how to set some new boundaries that are mutually respectful and won’t drive me crazy. It seems to be an on-going dance. It isn’t something that I think you “solve” and check off as “done”. Rather, it continually has to be addressed and re-addressed. Feeling resentment (or exhaustion) is a sign that something isn’t working right and that changes are necessary.