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I just want to cry! My parents, who are in their 80’s and live in a retirement home, have just given up on life. They are convinced that the two of them are going to die imminently. Mom is constantly in pain from reoccurring osteoporosis fractures and Dad has a faltering memory, relies heavily on a cane to walk, and arthritis makes it difficult for him to insert his hearing aids. Their fatalistic attitude has made them reclusive. Dad and Mom only leave their apartment to go down to the community dining room for dinner.
As their daughter and only child, it destroys me emotionally to see them like this. In my mind I reason that this is severe depression but in my heart, I am in a panic. When I visit them twice a week, their death is always part of the conversation and nothing I say seems to have any effect on how they feel. Dad and Mom have said that they are not planning to end their own lives, but feel they only have months left as they “are on a downhill decline that will only end one way.” Every new ache or pain is seen as a “sign” of impending doom.
What can I do? They won’t talk to a social worker, avoid family get-togethers and go into a complete panic if apart for even a few minutes. I can’t bear to watch them just sit there and wait to die. These were two active, intelligent people who traveled the world in retirement, read and kept up on world affairs. Now they sit in their living room all day doing little except for watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I desperately want to “save” the people I love, but does one just accept their parent’s mindset or fight to keep them alive? What do you think, what can I do? written by Jane in Texas
Leigh Ann
/ July 2, 2012It sounds like your parents are in desperate need of professional help. Their family doctor can prescribe antidepressants (wonderful medicines; give them a couple of weeks to kick in). I think experts generally advise to make conversations with resistant parents more about you–that you’re worried, that it would make you feel better if they saw someone. Maybe make it more about their energy level or something other than depression. Or, if they have an appointment coming up anyway with a doctor, maybe call the doctor yourself and tell him or her your concerns. They don’t have to live like this; it sounds to me like their brains are majorly malfunctioning, and if they’ve never experienced this, it may be hard for them to accept help. They may just believe this is what growing old is like.
Alison
/ July 8, 2012Jane,
Sorry to hear about your parents. Have you tried calling the Area Agency on Aging (AAA)? They might have advice about depression treatments, as well as ways that a social worker can intervene in a discrete way. They might also have some resources that could help you, since you’re affected by what your parent’s are going through. This link will give you the contact info for the AAA that serves your parent’s county: http://www.dads.state.tx.us/contact/aaa.cfm I hope they can help!
Toby
/ July 11, 2012This is heartbreaking to watch parents give up, the failure to thrive. If the “professionals” cannot get through, or family love pull them out of depression then I think it is your work to make peace with their decisions.
In the end, we remember our parents and other lost loved ones as the vibrant people we knew and enjoyed.
Sounds like they had wonderful lives, a great retirement and now in their 80s are living in pain.
Don’t give up on them but maybe a little acceptance of their choice, whether conscious or unconscious is the best you can do for them.
Prepare yourself. Help them maybe to sum up their lives, shape their final days and cherish your time together.
This may sound glum. None of us can really know what it feels like to have lived your life, and then exist in pain, waiting..
Death and loss are realities of life. You may need to readjust your expectations of them to less and meet them where they are.
Would they go on a family weekend? Would they be coaxed to get out of their routine for a few days? Maybe a spark can be reignited. If not, then prepare yourself.
Best Wishes,
Sherry Picker, MSW CMC
Boca Home Care Services, Inc.
Boca Home Care – Medicare Certified