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My mom & her husband, Sid have been married for 38 years. This is a second marriage for both of them. They each have two children, each having a boy & girl.
Sid’s children believe that he should no longer be driving. They want my mom to back out of the way so that the two of them (Sid’s biological children) can strip him of his car keys. This decision was prompted by many factors. One is that Sid walks with a cane & is very unstable. Another is that he has been taking two medications that together have caused him delusions & slurring his words. The difficulty is this … my mom feels that her first allegiance is to her husband. She feels fiercely protective of him & cannot condone this action. My mom swears that she is monitoring Sid’s medication & that he is a “good driver”. She says that he is not a danger to himself or a menace to others on the road. My mom believes that a man’s dignity & pride are tied up in this issue. I can also see that my mom is trying to preserve Sid’s independence both for him and for herself!
This feels so messy. Is there anyone else out there that has dealt with this??? HELP
susan
/ July 4, 2012Hi, that sounds like my dad at times. no hallucinations for a while, but he had a dozy a few months ago. hard to speak will just say, well…yes and stop.He is having small strokes or seizures at times.He does what mom calls a pole dance. he will stands stare into space a left leg will do a little jig.in 40 sec he is back to himself. and will say he got a little dizzy. The kids are all from both mom and dad’s 59 yr of marriage. We have asked mom if he should be driving. He rarely
drives but to Walmart, or get his hair cut. So it it less than 3 miles from home. she says he is okay. Dad only drives on good day, and he has “good’ days sometimes. So i sort of know. how you are feeling. Susan
Maryellen
/ July 4, 2012I believe in my state you can write an anon letter to the bureau of motor vehicles and state your concerns. The person is requested to come in for a driving test. The state will then take their license and no one knows who turned them in.
Good luck! We took my dad’s keys and sold his vehicle with a power of attorney. He is trying to schedule a driving test to prove us wrong. However with no left vision due to a stroke, it is a losing battle.
Angela
/ July 17, 2012Hi there,
This is to the person with the step-dad and car issue. My husband and I faced a similar issue with his dad and now my dad is getting closer to having to give up his driving. From the little you’ve said, it sounds like your step-dad shouldn’t be on the road. I realize that can be difficult and painful for all involved. However, I think doing the right thing is very important. You should try to talk to your mom about what the consequences could be if your step-father hurt (or god forbid killed) anyone in an at fault accident. They could lose everything, if they were sued and, I doubt, that the insurance company would pay, if they tested him and he was clearly not able to drive safely. You don’t say where you live. Some places, like Vancouver where I live, are ideal for older people to get around in. Others, like where my parents live, are not so good. I also think involving the family doctor can help. Whatever happens, they should leave your step-dad some room for maintaining his dignity, even if he can no longer drive. As much as possible, downplay the emotions of it and put it in a larger context: i.e. if you couldn’t drive safely you wouldn’t want to risk hurting others. I know how fiercely older people hold onto their independence, but it isn’t anyone’s god-given right to drive, if they endanger the lives of others. After all, who knows who your step-father might accidently hurt? It could be a young mother or father or even children. Try and pick a time, and place when your mom can hear these truths. Sometimes, a letter might help. Again, however, the family doctor can be helpful.
Good luck!
Angela