Category: end of life issues

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

what is an ethical will?

April 18, 2013

Kari Berit, radio host & speaker is passionate, authentic, down-to-earth, and fun. She connects immediately with her audiences. “She was talking about me,” “I feel like I’ve known her forever,” and “I feel energized after hearing her” are just a few of the participant comments that follow her keynotes.

Kari has spent her career helping people and institutions manage transitions and embrace the unfamiliar. Her expertise lies in aging and caregiving, two journeys in our lives for which we are poorly prepared. She is the author of two books, The Unexpected Caregiver and Mental Fitness Guide, both published by Attainment, and also hosts the weekly Unexpected Caregiver radio show. She contributes regular columns and articles on aging and caregiving topics and consults on peer-to-peer run caregiver support groups.

Tune in & listen to Kari’s words of wisdom as she shares her experiences with us!

www.kariberit.com/files/2013-Ethical-Wills-revamp-NRC.mp3

to my grandfather … I will miss you!

April 11, 2013

I was recently at a funeral service for my girlfriend’s father-in-law. It was an intimate group of us & we listened attentively to those who spoke. The last person who got up was my girlfriend, who read the following poem written by her 14 yo niece. I was moved by the tenderness of her words. There was not a dry eye in the room. I was struck by the heart & soul of this young girl! She wrote the following:

You were sick and tired and we all knew, that God would soon come to take you.

You fought so hard, so very long, but through the pain, you stayed strong.

We all knew there would come a day, when God would come to carry you away.

It doesn’t make it easier to say goodbye, as I try so hard not to cry.

I can’t help but feel defeated, or even maybe a little cheated.

But how very selfish would I be, to hope and pray you could stay with me.

So as you laid there, tubes running to and fro, I had to tell you “It’s ok to let go”.

Say “hi” to loved ones, waiting on the other side. I know some day, you’ll be there when I take that ride.

Poppy, I love you.

===============

how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

February 28, 2013

My grandmother suddenly lost her partner last April and didn’t want to live alone in their traditional apartment. My parents offered to take her in to their home and have admitted to my sister and me that they didn’t put a lot of thought into it before asking her. They did tell her however, that while they are away four months of the year wintering in Texas, that she would have to go stay with her other daughter in town, my aunt. My aunt can be difficult and that only lasted for one month before my grandmother insisted on coming back to my parents house. She said she is not going back there next year. This year it worked out okay because my sister and her husband are temporarily staying at my parents house for the next two months while they are away and can look after my grandmother. Next year will be a problem. My mother worries about her and doesn’t want her staying in the house alone. My grandmother says she will be fine!

One of the greatest joys for my parents is going to Texas for the winter. My grandmother used to join them occasionally but says now that she doesn’t want to be that far from her doctor. My mom would really like for my grandmother to look into the retirement home a mile and a half from their home but doesn’t know how to bring it up. She is in reasonably good health and my mom feels that having activities to do will keep her younger. My grandmother doesn’t want any part of it. Meanwhile, my parents have rearranged many aspects of their live for her. My dad pretty much lives in his bedroom but wouldn’t dream of hurting my grandmothers feelings by asking her to leave. I am from the polite family, so there is a lot of silent suffering going on! My mom wants to start a conversation with my grandmother about checking out the retirement place but doesn’t know how to go about it. I am looking for advice from people who have been in this situation to know what to and not to say. I should mention that while I love my grandmother very much, she has been spoiled all her life and everyone always caters to her. How can I help my mom find the courage and words to make this a win win for everyone.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom. Submitted by Mechelle

balancing act when mom is so needy!

February 21, 2013

How do you find time to take care of yourself after a parent’s death when the surviving spouse is so needy? My Dad has recently passed away and my Mom, who was always totally depended on him during 60+ years of marriage, is now looking to me, an only child, to fill the void. With my own husband and children’s needs and full time work, I haven’t had a second to address my own grief. Mom has tough health issues, my husband has work challenges and I need to be there for both. How does one find any kind of balance? I feel jumpy and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I know there must be plenty of others who have gone through the same experiences and would appreciate it if you could share how you coped. written by Janet is Kansas

POLST and Dad

January 31, 2013

My 87 year old father passed away three weeks ago of a massive brain hemorrage. In the time since, I am unable to shake a feeling of guilt among other emotions. In the midst of rushing to the emergency room, I forgot to grab his POLST off the refrigerator in my parent’s apartment. I thought I knew what it said, as I had read it a while back and provided copies to the retirement facility and his doctor. When faced in the emergency room with an x-ray and two neurosurgeons predicting paralysis, possible loss of speech and a very stormy future should he somehow make it through surgical measures, I felt that the option of comfort care only made sense. My Dad had recently returned from a nursing facility after recovering from pneumonia and he had firmly stated, several times, that he NEVER wanted to return there . Even if some miracle occurred, he would end up back at the nursing home for months, if not forever.

My beloved Dad was dying. I wanted to save him – to fix things somehow – but I couldn’t. My Mom was unable to make any decisions in the heat of the moment, so it was left up to me. Keeping him comfortable to the end seemed the only way and when I asked the second neurosurgeon if I was making the right decision, she was supportive. The doctors asked about intubation; I said I believed he would not have wanted that; that he would not have wanted any kind of invasive measures under the circumstances. They moved him to a private room as he fell into a coma, kept him hydrated and administered morphine if he exhibited signs of discomfort or restlessness. My dad passed away the following day.

A week later, when helping my Mom in their apartment, I noticed his POLST on the refrigerator and removed it. When I got home, I read it. It indicated that he wanted full treatment including intubation with a time limited trial on a ventilator for a reversible cause of respiratory failure, antibiotics if medically indicated and a defined trial of artificial nutrition by tube.

In my head, I know that a massive brain hemorrhage is what it is. A big IF he survived surgery, he would have been a prisoner in a facility he absolutely detested, in a body that was no longer his own to control. In my heart, I am filled with doubt that I did the “right thing”. Did I, didn’t I? Has anyone ever has this experience??? Written by Louise in Arkansas

do you have enough to retire? – rave

June 8, 2012

When looking at life for the over-50 boomer generation, take a hard look at the kind of lifestyle you would like and how you will afford it.

In a May 22nd, 2012 article in the Huffington Post blog, Martha Nelson writes about “Retirements ‘Golden Trinity’; Health, Lifestyle, Budget”.

She points out that once one part of “the trinity” goes awry, it can have a devastating effect on the rest of the trio. Your health is a deal breaker. Without it, everything else has very little meaning. Also, with rising care costs, unless you have provided for some type of health care and/or disability insurance, it can totally ravage your savings.

Speaking of finances, with devastated investment portfolios & the global market collapse, Nelson says, “even conscientious retirement savers find themselves knee-deep in mud, trying to stretch the corpus of money to add to social security checks as they look forward to the prospect of a long life”. If you haven’t saved funds for retirement or have lost what you set aside, as millions have, you will need to make careful lifestyle choices.

Simplicity may be the keyword for lifestyle. For some retirement in a gated golf course community may be out of the question. Instead, a condo or small home may be a better option. Some are even looking at co-housing choices.

It’s hard to imagine what will happen to those who, for all the reasons life can hand us, have not solidified what life will look like as they age. Certainly these three issues which make up “The Golden Trinity” are worth your consideration. CAUTION: DON’T BE ONE OF THOSE UNPREPARED BOOMERS? Think ahead, plan now. Share your thoughts &/or your concerns!

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baby boomers effect on nursing homes

May 9, 2012

Projections: U.S. & Nursing Home Populations
	Actual	Projections
	2010	2020	2030
Total U.S. Population*	308,746,000	341,387,000	373,504,000
Rate of change		10.57%	9.41%
65 and Older Population**	40,267,000	54,804,000	72,092,000
Rate of change		36.10%	31.55%
Nursing Home Resident Population***	1,401,718
Residents 65 and older****	1,205,477	1,640,673	2,158,226

* U.S. 2010 Census
** U.S. Census 2008 “Projections and Distribution of the Total Population by Age for the United States: 2010 to 2050″
*** CDC “Health, United States, 2010, table 117″
**** npg.org estimates that 86 percent of nursing home residents are senior citizens; Projections for “Residents 65 and Older” were calculated by applying 2010′s Actual “Nursing Home Resident Population” to that estimate. That finding was then applied to both 2020 and 2030′s “Residents 65 and Older Rate of Change” to estimate both years Baby Boomer nursing home occupancy.

The nursing home industry is one plagued with a very big problem: 90 percent of nursing homes are understaffed, making staff to patient ratios too low according to the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) National Nursing Home Survey: 2004 Overview. Said report found there was only: 1 Registered Nurse for every 12.6 residents; 1 Practical Nurse for every 8.15 residents; 1 Nursing Assistant for every 2.5 residents; and 1 Nursing Aide/Orderly for every 120 residents. What this translates to is 1 nursing home staff member for every 1.64 residents.

As a result of inadequate staffing levels, the amount of time staff members spend with residents is also inadequate. A Health and Human Services (HHS) study in 2002 found that nursing homes could maximize quality of care if specific staff members met the following daily requirements of time spent with residents: Certified Nursing Assistants spent between 2.4 hours and 2.8 hours daily; Registered Nurses & Licensed Practical Nurses spent between 1.15 hours and 1.4 hours daily; and Registered Nurses spent .55 hours to .75 hours daily with each resident. However, the study found that given the current state of nursing home staffs, if said requirements were applied, only 3 percent of nursing homes would meet the maximum requirements and only 9 percent would meet the minimum requirements.

All of this data was representative of the nursing home population before Baby Boomers began to become senior citizens. Baby boomers began to be classified as such in 2011 and will continue to enter that age category through 2029. Future senior citizen populations applied to nursing homes can be seen in the above chart. Easily seen is this chart is that the senior citizen population increases in 2020, mid-Baby Boomer subversion, and in 2030, one year after full Baby Boomer subversion. And given that understaffing is a primary cause of both abuse and neglect in nursing homes, the increased demand Baby Boomers will put on a disordered industry may cause an increase in nursing home abuse and neglect. Additionally, elder abuse and neglect in general may increase, as people who would normally have placed their elder into a nursing home will be left with no choice but to care for the elder themselves.

Allison Dean is a writer bringing to us how the problems of nursing home abuse and neglect could be exacerbated by the Baby Boomer population’s demand for long-term care.

Allison also writes about

Spring – a season of renewal & cleansing

April 4, 2012

Happy Easter and Passover! April is the month, this year that finds these two major religious festivals arriving on the same weekend. They are BOTH powerful holidays that speak to so many issues. For the caregiver in each of us, these festivals can be both bitter and sweet. We hopefully can be with friends and family. Yet, for many of us, we will sit down to a family Easter dinner or Passover seder very mindful that some people are not with us. Perhaps for the first time, we will struggle to find a sense of meaning beyond the pro-forma obligations of hosting or cooking or attending a service.

In that sense, I want to offer a small message that I hope you have a chance to think about. It is a message that comes, really, from the insights of both holidays. Both of these major events (so central to both Judaism and Christianity) speak to us in a profound way. The symbolism of the holidays carries with them a message of renewal and hope in the midst of great transition. The Easter story of Jesus and the Passover exodus from Egypt are powerful symbols of what is possible in our own life.

The stresses, burdens and joys of caregiving often provide us with opportunities to examine our own life. Both holidays propel us to consider that we need to not sacrifice our lives, dreams and hopes. They remind us that each of us can be renewed & in a sense, reborn, if we can shake the fear of change and growth and transition from our own souls. For so many who are feeling weighed down by the issue of caring for a loved one, these holidays can provide a sense of liberation and meaning. There is a higher purpose being served and this often lonely wandering, can provide a foundation for personal growth.

There is a tradition within the Jewish community as Passover nears, to clean out the non Passover acceptable foods (the leaven). There is a ritual that accompanies this cleansing. It is a metaphor for what these festivals can teach. Each of us, every year, is given the opportunity to clean out from our lives and souls, that which enslaves us. Easter and Passover, in their own ways, try and remind us that we are free to cross over our own personal sea and seek that which frees our souls. This transition does not come in a flash. It often is cumulative over time, until we arrive at a place in our life when we take all that has happened to us, embrace it and learn from it and move on into a future of our choosing.

May your holidays be sweet and joyous and healthy.

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.Min

www.jewishsacredaging.com

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the theology of relationships – rave

March 23, 2012

Rabbi Richard Address has devoted his career to helping transform synagogues into caring communities. Now, in Seekers of Meaning, his newest and most personal work to date, he explores how the notion of a caring community can be transformative for individuals, particularly baby boomers struggling with issues of aging and mortality.

“Who am I? Why am I here?” These are questions that guide us–or haunt us–our entire lives. As we age, these questions take on new relevance, all the more so as we face the daunting challenges of our aging society. We are seeing the health of our parents decline. We are deferring retirement in a difficult economy. We are becoming caregivers for loved ones. We are struggling with our own issues of health and wellness. Where do we turn for guidance in navigating these uncharted waters? Where do we now seek meaning in our lives?

The answer, argues Rabbi Address, is to be found in our relationships. Using key texts from the Torah, he shows that the foundation of a happy and healthy life is the meaning we seek in it in the community of others–our family, our friends, our congregations–and in our most fundamental relationship, with the very Mystery behind our own existence. This “theology of relationships” can bring much needed change to the Jewish communities that have nurtured us for so much of our lives, and help us make for ourselves an older adulthood that is healthy and sacred.

–

after death, grieving – how did they know?

February 8, 2012

When my mother died last September, I changed her forwarding address to mine (at the post office). This was going to solve two pressing problems: enduring trips to her old residence to pick up the important mail I needed to execute my duties as trustee of her estate, and avoiding all the junk mail she got, including piles of catalogues!

Mom, what’s left of her physical self, is residing in my home. I often pass by her spot on the shelf where she is surrounded by the dog portraits we framed together, to ask her a question or inform her of some new development in the lives of her children or grandchildren or just to say hi. But here’s the weird thing: she is receiving her catalogues again – her name on them and with her new address (mine)! How did they know?

First Mom got her J. Jill, Soft Surroundings and Chico’s catalogues. Of course, she is not wearing, much less buying, clothes any more – except for her Giants cap. Then came catalogues targeting seniors – firstSTREET, Easy Comforts and Fashionable Canes and Walking Sticks that offer grab bars, step stools, walkers and magnifiers that might make Mom’s life easier. But her life is over now & I’m hoping she is free of the impediments that require those things. Many times I have had to go to Catalogue Choice to rid my mailbox of reminders that my mom is not with me. Yet another sad job for the executrix.

The catalogue people are trying a new tack now. Recently Mom has received Road Scholar – a list of educational Elderhostel trips to far off places – and right after that a travel catalogue, Magellan’s. I’m beginning to suspect that my mom is actually managing her own catalogue choices so that I will notice. It can’t be exciting sitting on the shelf in her old, albeit favorite, soup tureen wearing nothing but her Giants cap. Perhaps Mom is trying to tell me to pack her up in one of those nice roller bags from Magellan’s along with a new sun hat and sandals from Chico’s (for me) and a magnifier from Easy Comfort (for small maps) and take her with me to the Galapagos where I can release her into the warm clear waters where she can befriend sea turtles.

I’m liking this idea, Mom. How did you know? Does any one else have “signs” from their parent? written by Ellen in California

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

what is an ethical will?

Related Posts

to my grandfather … I will miss you!

Related Posts

how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

Related Posts

balancing act when mom is so needy!

Related Posts

POLST and Dad

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baby boomers effect on nursing homes

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Spring – a season of renewal & cleansing

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the theology of relationships – rave

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after death, grieving – how did they know?

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