Category: the process

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

the theology of relationships – rave

March 23, 2012

Rabbi Richard Address has devoted his career to helping transform synagogues into caring communities. Now, in Seekers of Meaning, his newest and most personal work to date, he explores how the notion of a caring community can be transformative for individuals, particularly baby boomers struggling with issues of aging and mortality.

“Who am I? Why am I here?” These are questions that guide us–or haunt us–our entire lives. As we age, these questions take on new relevance, all the more so as we face the daunting challenges of our aging society. We are seeing the health of our parents decline. We are deferring retirement in a difficult economy. We are becoming caregivers for loved ones. We are struggling with our own issues of health and wellness. Where do we turn for guidance in navigating these uncharted waters? Where do we now seek meaning in our lives?

The answer, argues Rabbi Address, is to be found in our relationships. Using key texts from the Torah, he shows that the foundation of a happy and healthy life is the meaning we seek in it in the community of others–our family, our friends, our congregations–and in our most fundamental relationship, with the very Mystery behind our own existence. This “theology of relationships” can bring much needed change to the Jewish communities that have nurtured us for so much of our lives, and help us make for ourselves an older adulthood that is healthy and sacred.

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have wheelchair will travel!

March 7, 2012

The author and her mother-in-law admiring one of the quirky public art installations in the old town of Bratislava, Slovakia.

My husband and I took his 84 year old mother on a 9 day trip last December to Munich, Salzburg, Vienna and Bratislava. She’s wheelchair-bound except for small steps using a walker (or rollator as they call it in Europe). She’s also overweight and suffers from painful arthritic spinal degeneration. But her family heritage is Slovakian and she wanted to see Slovakia, at least the capital Bratislava, before she dies. So we took her. We learned a lot about disability traveling in Germany, Austria and Slovakia, and the bottom line is that it can be done. Not only that, it is fun and totally worthwhile.

The key, of course, is preparation. And, no surprise, the web is crammed with valuable information—both Vienna and Salzburg, for instance have online city guides listing accessibility data for hundreds of public places. Once on the ground, we found the cobblestones not as bad as expected, and even without formal ADA curbcuts, the curbs were so worn down by centuries of use that we had no trouble piloting the wheelchair wherever we wanted to go. We were able to attend holiday musical events and trolled the wonderful outdoor Christmas markets with ease.

Everyone was helpful. Tiny restaurants were eager to find places to stash the wheelchair while we indulged in whipped-cream laden pastries, chocolates and coffee. In Salzburg, we wanted to go to an ancient pub that was down a long, steep flight of stairs. Seeing our situation, the staff cheerfully led us around to the kitchen elevator and we enjoyed a wonderfully atmospheric meal, thanks to their helpfulness. (That evening, we truly lived Rick Steve’s motto: Europe Through The Back Door!)

For the full story, and a list of tips, see my blog at www.kitbakke.com. Submitted by Kit in Seattle

only child & far away asks “what is help”?

February 1, 2012

A prior post titled “the river denial” prompted me to think about my own experience in dealing with my elders. Denial is far more than a river for my family. It’s a destination residence clung to with a tenacity that makes a pit bull look like a pocket puppy. My grandmother is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. My Mom is in poor health (aggravated by a life time of poor choices) and starting to show signs of mental deterioration. My Dad died 7 years ago as a result of his own poor choices. I’m an only child and live all the way cross country–probably not an accident (if I am really honest). I’m good at organizing and taking care of things that need to be done. I’m not good at catering to someone’s distorted views of reality. I feel like a terrible daughter. Is it really reasonable for a parent to be unwilling and/or unable to care for themselves AND be mean spirited and uncooperative when someone tries to help? And what is “help”? If someone has had a life time of making bad choices, is it “helpful” to try & make good choices for them when they need someone else to be involved; or is this just meddling? Do you make the choices that are “best” for them? Or the ones that they would most likely have made for themselves? It is just one of those days I am questioning my role as their daughter and only child. Has anyone else had this dilemma?

Submitted by Joan in Alaska

acceptance

January 25, 2012

The famous AA Serenity Prayer says: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference”. I think I have had an ‘ah ha’ moment.

I just returned from visiting my 84yo mother & 92yo step-father. Guess what my ‘ah ha’ moment was? They DO NOT WANT my input.

I have spent sleepless nights worrying about their next steps (in relation to their living situation, 2 story home). I have filled endless days worrying about what will happen the next time they call 911 to pick my step-father up off the floor or they call their 70yo neighbor & he finally says “no, sorry, this time I cannot come over”.

On the airplane ride home the epiphany hit me. My parents have NOT asked for my help OR MY ADVISE! W O W …. this is an eye opener! I am taking a deep breath, even as I write. Whose business am I in, as Byron Katie asks? I am going to practice being in my own business & in the moment.

Can ANYONE else relate? IF SO, Please comment … Submitted by Toby

having “the talk”

January 11, 2012

Several of my friends who are also caregivers for their elderly parents to one degree or another, kept telling me that I needed to have “the talk” with my parents. “The talk” was a discussion with Dad and Mom about end-of-life and funeral planning issues. Ideally, this makes perfect sense, but I can’t even begin to tell you how much I dreaded this, as well as not having a clue on how to start a seemingly very delicate conversation. It felt painful and frightening as well as disrespectful – as if anticipating something might happen soon.

One friend suggested a “matter-of-fact” approach, as she is that kind of person. Another had the discussion in the hospital with an extremely ill parent. A third suggested saying I had read something on the internet talking about end of life planning … Point blank, contrived or in extremis, none of these felt comfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was my fears, fears about my parent’s fears or some combination that was holding me back.

Interestingly (and much to my relief), they brought it up themselves one afternoon recently. Their wishes were simple and touchingly sweet.

However, as this is a topic of much discussion, what is the best way to approach this experience? Not everyone is lucky enough to have their parents initiate the conversation. What didn’t work? There are many of us out there who could benefit by your experience.

submitted by Norma

older is ok

January 4, 2012

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play, on the computer, until 2 AM or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70′s and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one or when a child suffers or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day,if I feel like it.

Here’s to growing older with grace! How about you?

Submitted by Toby

enlightened perspective

December 28, 2011

WRITTEN BY ANDY ROONEY

 I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.   I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.   I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.  I’ve learned ….That being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.   I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.   I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.   I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.   I’ve learned…. That simple walks wi th my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.   I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.   I’ve learned… . That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.   I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.   I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.   I’ ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.   I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.   I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.   I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.   I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.   I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.   I’ve learned.. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.  I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.   I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.   I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom and Dad that I love them one more time before they passed away.   I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.   I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.   I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned …. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.   I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

As the year comes to a close think of those close to you & all that you have to be grateful for! Please share what you have learned.

’tis the season – rave

December 23, 2011

In the midst of this holiday season I have come upon others who have inspired & enlightened me. Instead of the usual frantic internal feelings this time of the year causes me, I am in a more serene place. Why? Two things happened.

First, I went to a book signing for Linda Cohn, author of “1,000 Mitzvahs”. Why did she inspire me? Because she chose a project, to do one thousand acts of kindness, to honor her father after he passed away. The discussion at the event was robust. Questions like “what counts?” If you begin an act of kindness & it does not come to fruition, does it count? I began to see how our perspective & daily outlook effects how we feel. These, even simple deeds, can bring personal gain.

The second thing that I feel energized by is a project inicated by Kaycee Krysty, the former CEO and now “president emerita” of the Seattle wealth management firm, Laird Norton Tyee. Kaycee “believes baby boomers are redefining an age once known as the end of work and productivity. She is challenging her generation to write 65 words on turning 65. I applaud her ambition to create a culture of aging that is life-affirming, satisfying & meaningful.

As we approach the end of the year, I am finding ways to avoid the “doom & gloom” mentality of the past & live in the moment with a more positive outlook. If it is true that “we are our thoughts” then we certainly can contribute to the quality of our day.

Please share your wisdom with us …. this is how we learn …. we all have a story ….

lighting the lights of the soul

December 21, 2011

“Tis the season”, so they say. Here it is December & with it the arrival of what we now know as “the holidays”. Kwanzaa, Christmas and Chanukah come calling and with them the promiscuity of merchandising that marks our culture.

In the midst of all the seasonal hype it is easy to loose some of the symbolism of the season. Lights and light form a very powerful part of each of these festivals. No doubt these festivals, at the darkest part of the year, have their origin in some pre-historic pagan need to drive out the darkness. What I want to look at now is the power of light and what it means.

Light stands for many things in religious life: life, hope, faith & also memory. We who are, or have been care-givers, can relate to this in a powerful and personal way. Many of us now are watching the “light” of a loved one slowly fade. It is not easy. It demands great attention and it is filled with the reality of loss.

It is easy, especially at this time of year, to turn into ones self and allow the darkness of that loss or despair overwhelm us. Yet, that is where the lights of the season can speak to a higher reality. Let me suggest that the lights we light at this season are really a part of the light of our loved ones soul. We light these lights and the light they give off help to drive out the darkness of loss. We engage in the power and beauty of memory. It is a memory that may be tinged with some sadness, especially if the person we remember is no longer available to us. But the light of their life and their soul has been part of our own journey. Their light is now within us, and, as long as we remember, that light will remain.

That is also part of what we do as care-givers. We bring the light of our own soul to those to whom we minister. This is, in a very real sense, sacred work; which is why the command to “honor father and mother” is so central to all religious traditions. I hope this message of light finds some resonance to those who are caring for a loved one and may you find, in this season of family, life and memory, the power and strength to continue to bring the light of comfort to those in need.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.MIn

www.jewishsacredaging.com

embracing rituals

December 14, 2011

It seems as if the “baby boomer generation” has rediscovered the power of ritual. There has been an explosion in recent years of creative rituals that have sought to take new life stages and situations and place them within some type of holy or sacred context. In my research for my work on baby boomer’s spirituality, I have uncovered a variety of instances of these; from congregation wide services that honor the care-giver, to rituals that seek to bring meaning to more private moments and circumstances. Recently a colleague of mine sent me the draft of a ritual that she is submitting for publication in our professional journal.It is a Ritual of Release. She designed this to be used at moments of life transition; significant times when we are tasked with moving from one stage of life to another; often as a result of circumstances not of our choosing.

The ritual is designed to be done by the clergy person and the individual. It may be in public or private. The clergy person opens the ritual by commenting that life extends to us opportunities both for joy and for hurt and we can never really know how we will react until we are in the moment. This is followed by a statement by the individual who reads: “Past events have dictated that my life changed. These changes, while beyond my control, have taught me that I must mourn the loss of my self in some way. At present, I must look within to redefine myself and for the future move forward from these difficulties to embrace a full life. I know this is not an easy task but one that needs to be addressed for my health and well being.”

There follows another reading and a time for personal reflection, words or prayer. Some people who have created similar ceremonies literally enact the moment of transition by burying an item or burning it. In any event, there is some recognition that I am moving from one stage of life to another and gathering my resources for this transition. Transitions are difficult. The ability to have a faith tradition support these moments within the confines of prayer and ceremony can provide a meaningful moment that supports a person’s decisions, no matter how difficult that decision may be. Ritual can do that for us. It can be the bridge that spans moments of life and definitions of self as we change and grow.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.MIn

www.jewishsacredaging.com

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

the theology of relationships – rave

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have wheelchair will travel!

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only child & far away asks “what is help”?

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acceptance

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having “the talk”

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older is ok

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enlightened perspective

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’tis the season – rave

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lighting the lights of the soul

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embracing rituals

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