1. Our privacy, our routine, our way of life.

2. The interaction between these two women, who have two very different personalities. Instead of embracing each other, they would come to see each other as competition for my husband’s & my attention.

So, now you’re saying…”What are you two nuts or something?” Well, no! We consider ourselves to be very rational and successful human beings and we expected our mothers to be the same way. Well, they’re just not. They don’t react to life the same way we do. They’re not confident or self-assured women. They’re not outgoing or social. Neither of them have close friends. They not only rely on us for help with medical issues and for help due to physical limitations (i.e grocery shopping, meal prep, etc), which we are happy to give, but they COMPLETELY rely on us for their social and emotional needs. It can be exhausting at times. They can get so wrapped up in themselves, that they forget the impact their needs have on our lives…as if we have no needs at all! Although we both love our mothers very, very much, their behavior has resulted in some resentment from us. We wonder how they could be so selfish and inconsiderate to the people who care for them the most???

I’ve read countless books and articles on care-giving for the elderly, but so far, they haven’t really given me the answers I’m searching for. I realize that having expectations for an 85/86 year old to change character traits is completely unrealistic but why doesn’t the love our parents have for us seem to have a positive impact on their behavior? We treat them with respect, are mindful of their privacy and try to interact with them on an adult-to-adult basis. Perhaps there are mysteries of the aging brain that are impossible to understand. In our hearts, we know we are “doing the right thing”, but the daily weight of it all can break us down, fill us with doubt and cause tension between us.

I come to this blog to seek out the advice and hear the experiences of my fellow care-givers, hoping to find some inspiration to keep on keepin’ on with positive energy. All I can tell you is that I share your pain, fellow caregivers! I do believe we are a special group of individuals that can learn from & support each other!!!

submitted by Barbara

“I sat across the table from her and saw spots on her clothes! I am just trying to adjust my memory of a mother who was a fastidious dresser all of her life. How can we just ‘roll’ with these kinds of things—that’s the help I need.”

Toby’s anguish brought me out of my reverie. I saw my own “fashionista mother” as we sat at dinner with food spots-that did not come out in the wash or by her care-giver rubbing them. I revisited my feelings of helplessness and loss—then.

“Toby,” I told her as I put my hand in hers, “I can help you.”

I give you all this vignette as a gift from one daughter’s heart to the hearts of others. It took some planning and courage—but any version of this will make you feel better. It’s one of those things we can sort of control and we face inevitable things I now have learned we cannot control.

Like a recipe: Visit a few cleaners near where you or your mother live. Tell them you are bringing in a large order of clothes that need to be spotted for food spots. Ask if there is a “large order” or senior discount and find out how short a turnaround you can get. ( I actually found a cleaners near my mother that gave a large senior discount.)

You tell your mother it bothers you that many of her clothes have spots on them and you think she may not be aware of this. ( My mother denied it and was sort of mad at me.)

‘Mom, I found a cleaner that gives discounts to seniors and I am taking your clothes with spots over there today.” This is what I said and my mother was not in agreement-I was very strong in my resolve and just really overpowered her to get my way.

I then took everything in her closet—coats, jackets, tops, pants out of her condo and went to the cleaners. I left her two or three outfits that I knew she liked.

I had them back two days later!

I asked the cleaners to put aside any garment with spots that would not come out and I evaluated how bad these stains were. Bad? If they were, they did not go back to the condo. Some things never came back into the closet: silk blouses, light-colored pants with stains—etc.

Yes, she knew I took them. Yes, she was perturbed at me, but I think she had just enough pride left to know that she would now have clean clothes all the time. She did not stay mad!!!

I did this about a year before my mother died, after agonizing over it for a decade!

Please, do not wait as long as I did to form some kind of a plan using my experience!!!

written by Laurie

In this province, every driver has to go for a written and vision test when they reach the age of 80, and every 2 years after. These folks got their drivers license before Driver Education classes began and there were not so many vehicles on the road.

My father (aged 87) told me he did his drivers test, landed on someone’s front lawn and the examiner jumped out of the car and threw the license at him saying “You passed”.

If someone is involved in a car accident (whether they caused it or not) at age 65 or over, they automatically have to go for a road test, which is a regulation.

In this province, the only one that can suspend a driver’s license for medial reasons is a doctor. It’s the law. When the family speaks to a senior’s doctor regarding concerns for unsafe driving, the doctor has to put the license under medical suspension. The file then goes to Medical Review at the Ministry of Transportation. The suspended driver has to prove they are competent to drive and the process begins. They have up to 3 years to take driving test to regain their license and have to see a doctor to establish that they are healthy enough to drive. Every province and state should adopt the same rules, as we frequently travel to each others country.

If you find yourself in the position of caring for your elderly parents, get some support.

Continue on with YOUR life, do the things that make you happy. Go to the movies; enjoy watching and participating in sporting events that you love. Perhaps get counseling. I did, it really helped. It helped me deal with their aging brains and not get upset at the weird things they said to me.

Seniors don’t realize their senses have diminished; their reaction time has lessened. It’s a known fact that seniors can suffer mini strokes while driving, usually lasting for only second, but that’s all it takes – right?

Once a senior has failed a driving test, the family usually becomes unhappy because they realize now they have to drive the senior around to appointments. But as a caring society, we have to stop being selfish – we can’t have unsafe drivers on the road.

I know the Cancer Society will arrange for transportation if a person is undergoing treatment. In my town the mobile bus (for people with disabilities) will come directly to the house to pick you up if you call before and arrange a time. There are options. If you inquire you can find assistance in your town.

Also, try to pace yourself and get support, from us, from other family members, from neighbors. It will all work out and you will be blessed for your efforts.

Submitted by Carol

Kari has spent her career helping people and institutions manage transitions and embrace the unfamiliar. Her expertise lies in aging and caregiving, two journeys in our lives for which we are poorly prepared. She is the author of two books, The Unexpected Caregiver and Mental Fitness Guide, both published by Attainment, and also hosts the weekly Unexpected Caregiver radio show. She contributes regular columns and articles on aging and caregiving topics and consults on peer-to-peer run caregiver support groups.

Tune in & listen to Kari’s words of wisdom as she shares her experiences with us!

www.kariberit.com/files/2013-Ethical-Wills-revamp-NRC.mp3

You were sick and tired and we all knew, that God would soon come to take you.

You fought so hard, so very long, but through the pain, you stayed strong.

We all knew there would come a day, when God would come to carry you away.

It doesn’t make it easier to say goodbye, as I try so hard not to cry.

I can’t help but feel defeated, or even maybe a little cheated.

But how very selfish would I be, to hope and pray you could stay with me.

So as you laid there, tubes running to and fro, I had to tell you “It’s ok to let go”.

Say “hi” to loved ones, waiting on the other side. I know some day,  you’ll be there when I take that ride.

Poppy, I love you.

===============

My mother is 94 y/o and is very short. At 4’7″and about 108 lbs, white haired and lively, she is made over by all. She was an only child, and has been pampered all her life: a prima donna of the worst kind. We were pushed into taking her into our home 2 1/2 yrs ago when my mentally ill sister abandoned her in Los Angeles. We live in WA. The years since have seen us become her staff of servants in our 70′s; a time when we expected to be enjoying our retirement. She has good health and we can expect her to live a lot longer judging from her relations, who lived well into their 90s. She is stone deaf, making us feel badly because the only way to communicate with her (even with hearing aids) is to yell at her. We, too, are looking for a place to put her, but the guilt keeps holding us back. There is nobody else to help us and she refuses to go to a senior center or adult daycare. My health is suffering from this problem. Would someone please help? I could use some ideas/suggestions!

As a retired Ohio State Trooper, I have personally delivered dozens of death notifications to families of highway tragedies. As a result of those experiences, in 2008 I founded Keeping Us Safe.

For families that might benefit from a third-party, impartial intervention in resolving the very delicate and sensitive issue of mom or dad’s diminished driving skills, we offer you our Certified “Beyond Driving with Dignity” professionals.

The “Beyond Driving with Dignity” program is designed to help older drivers with diminishing driving skills make a smooth transition from the driver’s seat to the passenger seat without any deterioration to their dignity or independence.

I once conducted one of our self-assessment sessions with 86 year old Barbara. Barbara’s adult children contacted Keeping Us Safe after they became concerned about her driving. They reported that mom became lost while driving home from the grocery store last week, and a large dent in the corner of the front bumper of her car was recently discovered. When asked about it, Barbara explained she had no idea how the dent got in the car, or how long it had been there.

Barbara (referred to by her children as stubborn!) was not happy to meet with me, and perceived our session as an unnecessary attack on her driving abilities and a threat to her independence, but she agreed, mostly to appease her children. Near the end of our session, Barbara said the magic words that no one ever expected to hear… “Well, I guess it’s probably time for me to give up driving”. And she did.

Barbara, her adult children and I worked together to develop a plan to ensure Barbara’s personal independence would not be jeopardized as a result of her decision to retire from driving. Several months later, Barbara called to report that since she has given up driving, her social calendar has become busier than ever. She explained that family, friends and even friends-of-friends now involve her in their activities and have gone out of their way to see that she gets to wherever she wants to go.

When asked later, Barbara’s daughter said that she was not only relieved that her mother had made a peaceful retirement from driving, but added that she was equally grateful that this issue did not escalate to the point that it strained her valued relationship with her mother.

Our programs are designed to save lives while simultaneously helping to ease the burden of the family as they find themselves faced with this very challenging issue. I have said many times before that as the founder of Keeping Us Safe, I would much rather have these difficult conversations now, rather than having a State Trooper knocking on your front door tomorrow.

For more information on our programs, or if you are interested in becoming a Certified “Beyond Driving with Dignity” Professional, visit Keeping Us Safe at http://www.keepingussafe.org.

On a side note, Barbara ended up selling her vehicle and used that money to take her dream vacation with her lifelong friend, Betty.

Thank you for taking time to read my post,

Matt Gurwell, Founder & CEO of Keeping Us Safe

Whether we are caring for an elderly parent with dementia or a spouse recovering from a heart attack, it can be hard to force our busy minds to match the new, slow pace at which our loved ones move. The endless hours spent caregiving are so easily filled with worry and rumination. The practice of mindfulness- learning to live in the moment- can help us savor our time with our loved ones. Research shows that the happiest people on Earth practice mindfulness. Luckily, you don’t have to be a Buddhist monk or buy special equipment to learn this practice. The whole point is to tune in to the here and now. The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living in the Moment by Jay Dixit describes both the benefits of mindfulness and ways to get started much better than I am able to. http://bit.ly/Zfvnc6

Early on in my career as a caregiver, I discovered that mindfulness made my shifts seem to flow by quickly. The practice helped me capture the most joyful moments with my clients. One elderly woman I cared for had such cold hands, we spent many evenings holding hands on her couch. Rather than counting the minutes as they ticked by, I learned to enjoy the moment. I studied our hands clasped together; my young, plump hand entangled with her slender fingers, decorated with a blue web of veins. I noticed her skin gradually warm up. Just as discussed in the above link, I truly savored those moments with my client. We both found such peace in each other’s company.

I believe the practice of mindfulness makes me a much better caregiver. By focusing on the here and now, I notice things such as a pin in the carpeting or a throw rug’s upturned corner that would be easily overlooked if I were mindlessly worrying about something else. Observing my surroundings helps me keep my clients out of harm’s way. Applying that same power of observation to a client helps me detect changes in their health more quickly. Observant caregivers can spot the malaise that comes before a urinary tract infection or a bout of the flu. When working with people with dementia, noticing those little warning signs that precede an outburst helps keep things from getting out of hand. Learning to live in the moment takes practice and time to master, but the rewards are well worth the effort. With time, it becomes effortless.

~Amy Kirkeide, Comfort Keepers