Tag: after death

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caring for 2 moms in 1 household!

May 9, 2013

After my father passed away at the age of 80 in 2002, my husband and I had the discussion of how we would handle my mother being alone. After a couple of years of running back and forth to tend to her needs (she doesn’t drive and was very dependent on my father), we made the decision to build a home to have not only my mother come and live with us but also my husband’s mom (who had been a widow living alone for 20 years). We had it all planned perfectly. Our single-level house was designed with loads of space for everyone to feel comfortable with plenty of privacy. One big happy family, right? Uh, not so much. While we took into consideration the wonderful opportunity it would be for our mom’s to have us there for them and perhaps the comraderie they might feel toward each other, we failed to seriously consider other issues:

1. Our privacy, our routine, our way of life.

2. The interaction between these two women, who have two very different personalities. Instead of embracing each other, they would come to see each other as competition for my husband’s & my attention.

So, now you’re saying…”What are you two nuts or something?” Well, no! We consider ourselves to be very rational and successful human beings and we expected our mothers to be the same way. Well, they’re just not. They don’t react to life the same way we do. They’re not confident or self-assured women. They’re not outgoing or social. Neither of them have close friends. They not only rely on us for help with medical issues and for help due to physical limitations (i.e grocery shopping, meal prep, etc), which we are happy to give, but they COMPLETELY rely on us for their social and emotional needs. It can be exhausting at times. They can get so wrapped up in themselves, that they forget the impact their needs have on our lives…as if we have no needs at all! Although we both love our mothers very, very much, their behavior has resulted in some resentment from us. We wonder how they could be so selfish and inconsiderate to the people who care for them the most???

I’ve read countless books and articles on care-giving for the elderly, but so far, they haven’t really given me the answers I’m searching for. I realize that having expectations for an 85/86 year old to change character traits is completely unrealistic but why doesn’t the love our parents have for us seem to have a positive impact on their behavior? We treat them with respect, are mindful of their privacy and try to interact with them on an adult-to-adult basis. Perhaps there are mysteries of the aging brain that are impossible to understand. In our hearts, we know we are “doing the right thing”, but the daily weight of it all can break us down, fill us with doubt and cause tension between us.

I come to this blog to seek out the advice and hear the experiences of my fellow care-givers, hoping to find some inspiration to keep on keepin’ on with positive energy. All I can tell you is that I share your pain, fellow caregivers! I do believe we are a special group of individuals that can learn from & support each other!!!

submitted by Barbara

spots on Mom’s clothing

May 2, 2013

Last week I was at a meeting, deep in thought about the recent loss of my mother at age 94. Toby was explaining the frustrations of caregiving for our declining parents.

“I sat across the table from her and saw spots on her clothes! I am just trying to adjust my memory of a mother who was a fastidious dresser all of her life. How can we just ‘roll’ with these kinds of things—that’s the help I need.”

Toby’s anguish brought me out of my reverie. I saw my own “fashionista mother” as we sat at dinner with food spots-that did not come out in the wash or by her care-giver rubbing them. I revisited my feelings of helplessness and loss—then.

“Toby,” I told her as I put my hand in hers, “I can help you.”

I give you all this vignette as a gift from one daughter’s heart to the hearts of others. It took some planning and courage—but any version of this will make you feel better. It’s one of those things we can sort of control and we face inevitable things I now have learned we cannot control.

Like a recipe: Visit a few cleaners near where you or your mother live. Tell them you are bringing in a large order of clothes that need to be spotted for food spots. Ask if there is a “large order” or senior discount and find out how short a turnaround you can get. ( I actually found a cleaners near my mother that gave a large senior discount.)

You tell your mother it bothers you that many of her clothes have spots on them and you think she may not be aware of this. ( My mother denied it and was sort of mad at me.)

‘Mom, I found a cleaner that gives discounts to seniors and I am taking your clothes with spots over there today.” This is what I said and my mother was not in agreement-I was very strong in my resolve and just really overpowered her to get my way.

I then took everything in her closet—coats, jackets, tops, pants out of her condo and went to the cleaners. I left her two or three outfits that I knew she liked.

I had them back two days later!

I asked the cleaners to put aside any garment with spots that would not come out and I evaluated how bad these stains were. Bad? If they were, they did not go back to the condo. Some things never came back into the closet: silk blouses, light-colored pants with stains—etc.

Yes, she knew I took them. Yes, she was perturbed at me, but I think she had just enough pride left to know that she would now have clean clothes all the time. She did not stay mad!!!

I did this about a year before my mother died, after agonizing over it for a decade!

Please, do not wait as long as I did to form some kind of a plan using my experience!!!

written by Laurie

to my grandfather … I will miss you!

April 11, 2013

I was recently at a funeral service for my girlfriend’s father-in-law. It was an intimate group of us & we listened attentively to those who spoke. The last person who got up was my girlfriend, who read the following poem written by her 14 yo niece. I was moved by the tenderness of her words. There was not a dry eye in the room. I was struck by the heart & soul of this young girl! She wrote the following:

You were sick and tired and we all knew, that God would soon come to take you.

You fought so hard, so very long, but through the pain, you stayed strong.

We all knew there would come a day, when God would come to carry you away.

It doesn’t make it easier to say goodbye, as I try so hard not to cry.

I can’t help but feel defeated, or even maybe a little cheated.

But how very selfish would I be, to hope and pray you could stay with me.

So as you laid there, tubes running to and fro, I had to tell you “It’s ok to let go”.

Say “hi” to loved ones, waiting on the other side. I know some day, you’ll be there when I take that ride.

Poppy, I love you.

===============

after death … in need of a friend!

March 28, 2013

My very dear girlfriend lost her father five days ago. She is flying home alone today & I offered to pick her up at the airport (yes, at rush hour). I have had time to think about how I could help her. Typically, people will call the person who has lost a loved one & ask, “what can I do for you”? Unfortunately, the adult who has suffered the loss is in their grief. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW what to tell you? I decided to take a different tactic, after a lengthy conversation with a few of my other girlfriends, by the way! Yesterday, I roasted a whole chicken & root vegetables (in disposable pans). Today I made a simple green salad & home made salad dressing. Another friend dropped off home made molasses & chocolate chip cookies. THIS SAYS, WE CARE! No one should have to return from burying a parent and take a taxi home! I was able to get a small group of our mutual friends to prepare to more nights dinners. This says, WE LOVE YOU, We are here for you. It may not be food that your friend needs. It may be YOU! Just your presence. You might simply say something like, “can I just come over & be with you”? Anyone else have an idea about how to help a grieving friend? written by Toby

how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

February 28, 2013

My grandmother suddenly lost her partner last April and didn’t want to live alone in their traditional apartment. My parents offered to take her in to their home and have admitted to my sister and me that they didn’t put a lot of thought into it before asking her. They did tell her however, that while they are away four months of the year wintering in Texas, that she would have to go stay with her other daughter in town, my aunt. My aunt can be difficult and that only lasted for one month before my grandmother insisted on coming back to my parents house. She said she is not going back there next year. This year it worked out okay because my sister and her husband are temporarily staying at my parents house for the next two months while they are away and can look after my grandmother. Next year will be a problem. My mother worries about her and doesn’t want her staying in the house alone. My grandmother says she will be fine!

One of the greatest joys for my parents is going to Texas for the winter. My grandmother used to join them occasionally but says now that she doesn’t want to be that far from her doctor. My mom would really like for my grandmother to look into the retirement home a mile and a half from their home but doesn’t know how to bring it up. She is in reasonably good health and my mom feels that having activities to do will keep her younger. My grandmother doesn’t want any part of it. Meanwhile, my parents have rearranged many aspects of their live for her. My dad pretty much lives in his bedroom but wouldn’t dream of hurting my grandmothers feelings by asking her to leave. I am from the polite family, so there is a lot of silent suffering going on! My mom wants to start a conversation with my grandmother about checking out the retirement place but doesn’t know how to go about it. I am looking for advice from people who have been in this situation to know what to and not to say. I should mention that while I love my grandmother very much, she has been spoiled all her life and everyone always caters to her. How can I help my mom find the courage and words to make this a win win for everyone.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom. Submitted by Mechelle

balancing act when mom is so needy!

February 21, 2013

How do you find time to take care of yourself after a parent’s death when the surviving spouse is so needy? My Dad has recently passed away and my Mom, who was always totally depended on him during 60+ years of marriage, is now looking to me, an only child, to fill the void. With my own husband and children’s needs and full time work, I haven’t had a second to address my own grief. Mom has tough health issues, my husband has work challenges and I need to be there for both. How does one find any kind of balance? I feel jumpy and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I know there must be plenty of others who have gone through the same experiences and would appreciate it if you could share how you coped. written by Janet is Kansas

after death, grieving – how did they know?

February 8, 2012

When my mother died last September, I changed her forwarding address to mine (at the post office). This was going to solve two pressing problems: enduring trips to her old residence to pick up the important mail I needed to execute my duties as trustee of her estate, and avoiding all the junk mail she got, including piles of catalogues!

Mom, what’s left of her physical self, is residing in my home. I often pass by her spot on the shelf where she is surrounded by the dog portraits we framed together, to ask her a question or inform her of some new development in the lives of her children or grandchildren or just to say hi. But here’s the weird thing: she is receiving her catalogues again – her name on them and with her new address (mine)! How did they know?

First Mom got her J. Jill, Soft Surroundings and Chico’s catalogues. Of course, she is not wearing, much less buying, clothes any more – except for her Giants cap. Then came catalogues targeting seniors – firstSTREET, Easy Comforts and Fashionable Canes and Walking Sticks that offer grab bars, step stools, walkers and magnifiers that might make Mom’s life easier. But her life is over now & I’m hoping she is free of the impediments that require those things. Many times I have had to go to Catalogue Choice to rid my mailbox of reminders that my mom is not with me. Yet another sad job for the executrix.

The catalogue people are trying a new tack now. Recently Mom has received Road Scholar – a list of educational Elderhostel trips to far off places – and right after that a travel catalogue, Magellan’s. I’m beginning to suspect that my mom is actually managing her own catalogue choices so that I will notice. It can’t be exciting sitting on the shelf in her old, albeit favorite, soup tureen wearing nothing but her Giants cap. Perhaps Mom is trying to tell me to pack her up in one of those nice roller bags from Magellan’s along with a new sun hat and sandals from Chico’s (for me) and a magnifier from Easy Comfort (for small maps) and take her with me to the Galapagos where I can release her into the warm clear waters where she can befriend sea turtles.

I’m liking this idea, Mom. How did you know? Does any one else have “signs” from their parent? written by Ellen in California

’tis the season – rave

December 23, 2011

In the midst of this holiday season I have come upon others who have inspired & enlightened me. Instead of the usual frantic internal feelings this time of the year causes me, I am in a more serene place. Why? Two things happened.

First, I went to a book signing for Linda Cohn, author of “1,000 Mitzvahs”. Why did she inspire me? Because she chose a project, to do one thousand acts of kindness, to honor her father after he passed away. The discussion at the event was robust. Questions like “what counts?” If you begin an act of kindness & it does not come to fruition, does it count? I began to see how our perspective & daily outlook effects how we feel. These, even simple deeds, can bring personal gain.

The second thing that I feel energized by is a project inicated by Kaycee Krysty, the former CEO and now “president emerita” of the Seattle wealth management firm, Laird Norton Tyee. Kaycee “believes baby boomers are redefining an age once known as the end of work and productivity. She is challenging her generation to write 65 words on turning 65. I applaud her ambition to create a culture of aging that is life-affirming, satisfying & meaningful.

As we approach the end of the year, I am finding ways to avoid the “doom & gloom” mentality of the past & live in the moment with a more positive outlook. If it is true that “we are our thoughts” then we certainly can contribute to the quality of our day.

Please share your wisdom with us …. this is how we learn …. we all have a story ….

lighting the lights of the soul

December 21, 2011

“Tis the season”, so they say. Here it is December & with it the arrival of what we now know as “the holidays”. Kwanzaa, Christmas and Chanukah come calling and with them the promiscuity of merchandising that marks our culture.

In the midst of all the seasonal hype it is easy to loose some of the symbolism of the season. Lights and light form a very powerful part of each of these festivals. No doubt these festivals, at the darkest part of the year, have their origin in some pre-historic pagan need to drive out the darkness. What I want to look at now is the power of light and what it means.

Light stands for many things in religious life: life, hope, faith & also memory. We who are, or have been care-givers, can relate to this in a powerful and personal way. Many of us now are watching the “light” of a loved one slowly fade. It is not easy. It demands great attention and it is filled with the reality of loss.

It is easy, especially at this time of year, to turn into ones self and allow the darkness of that loss or despair overwhelm us. Yet, that is where the lights of the season can speak to a higher reality. Let me suggest that the lights we light at this season are really a part of the light of our loved ones soul. We light these lights and the light they give off help to drive out the darkness of loss. We engage in the power and beauty of memory. It is a memory that may be tinged with some sadness, especially if the person we remember is no longer available to us. But the light of their life and their soul has been part of our own journey. Their light is now within us, and, as long as we remember, that light will remain.

That is also part of what we do as care-givers. We bring the light of our own soul to those to whom we minister. This is, in a very real sense, sacred work; which is why the command to “honor father and mother” is so central to all religious traditions. I hope this message of light finds some resonance to those who are caring for a loved one and may you find, in this season of family, life and memory, the power and strength to continue to bring the light of comfort to those in need.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.MIn

www.jewishsacredaging.com

funeral – rituals & traditions – viewing the body?

June 15, 2011

Pertaining to death & burial procedures each culture & religion has its own traditions. I recently lost my step mother. Before the funeral I was told that the family would have access to viewing the body prior to the service. Let me say that I was completely torn about how I felt about that and what I wanted to do. Truly, I had NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE! Seriously, I was perplexed about what a good choice would be for me.

I decided that NO CHOICE was where I stood until the eleventh hour when I was at the cemetery. The family all gathered along with the clergy. I filed into the viewing room behind my brother and made a decision at that exact moment to look at her……. I will say that in retrospect I am happy with my decision. She looked like she was asleep and very much at peace.

My pearls of wisdom…..look at your religion & traditions ahead of time & try to make sense of them as they relate to you.

PLEASE share YOUR story!

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caring for 2 moms in 1 household!

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spots on Mom’s clothing

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to my grandfather … I will miss you!

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after death … in need of a friend!

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how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

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balancing act when mom is so needy!

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after death, grieving – how did they know?

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’tis the season – rave

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lighting the lights of the soul

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funeral – rituals & traditions – viewing the body?

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