Tag: burden

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

Spring – a season of renewal & cleansing

Happy Easter and Passover! April is the month, this year that finds these two major religious festivals arriving on the same weekend. They are BOTH powerful holidays that speak to so many issues. For the caregiver in each of us, these festivals can be both bitter and sweet. We hopefully can be with friends and family. Yet, for many of us, we will sit down to a family Easter dinner or Passover seder very mindful that some people are not with us. Perhaps for the first time, we will struggle to find a sense of meaning beyond the pro-forma obligations of hosting or cooking or attending a service.

In that sense, I want to offer a small message that I hope you have a chance to think about. It is a message that comes, really, from the insights of both holidays. Both of these major events (so central to both Judaism and Christianity) speak to us in a profound way. The symbolism of the holidays carries with them a message of renewal and hope in the midst of great transition. The Easter story of Jesus and the Passover exodus from Egypt are powerful symbols of what is possible in our own life.

The stresses, burdens and joys of caregiving often provide us with opportunities to examine our own life. Both holidays propel us to consider that we need to not sacrifice our lives, dreams and hopes. They remind us that each of us can be renewed & in a sense, reborn, if we can shake the fear of change and growth and transition from our own souls. For so many who are feeling weighed down by the issue of caring for a loved one, these holidays can provide a sense of liberation and meaning. There is a higher purpose being served and this often lonely wandering, can provide a foundation for personal growth.

There is a tradition within the Jewish community as Passover nears, to clean out the non Passover acceptable foods (the leaven). There is a ritual that accompanies this cleansing. It is a metaphor for what these festivals can teach. Each of us, every year, is given the opportunity to clean out from our lives and souls, that which enslaves us. Easter and Passover, in their own ways, try and remind us that we are free to cross over our own personal sea and seek that which frees our souls. This transition does not come in a flash. It often is cumulative over time, until we arrive at a place in our life when we take all that has happened to us, embrace it and learn from it and move on into a future of our choosing.

May your holidays be sweet and joyous and healthy.

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.Min

www.jewishsacredaging.com 

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financial checkups

What is it about our presence in the doctor’s office that brings comfort to our parents? Whether they are dealing with the ongoing struggle of a long term illness, or faced with a sudden health crisis, we are with them to share their anxiety, ask the right questions and pay attention to the answers, take notes, and later remind them of the doctor’s recommendations and next steps.

Have you thought about taking part in your parents’ next meeting with their financial advisor?

Running out of money is the biggest fear our elders have. Not always a rational fear, but in my experience it’s felt almost universally, regardless of someone’s current financial circumstances. What is the number two fear among elders? Becoming a burden to their children.

It’s crucial, in this arena, to think in terms of collaboration. This isn’t about asking your parents to give up control or their financial independence. So it’s not “Here, let me do this for you, don’t trouble yourselves about your investments any more, I can take over that responsibility.” Best to look for openings. Maybe you could just ask: With the dour economy and difficult choices investors are making now, is there any way that you can help with these decisions? Do they want you to go with them when they visit their “money doctor”? Are they feeling pushed to make larger gifts to the charities they have supported for years? Has their financial advisor invited them to bring family members into the conversation? Or, another option is for you to go first yourself. Ask your parents for their advice, or tell them how you’ve handled your own estate planning and ask their opinion. If the right time presents itself, ask if you can help make sure what’s important to them gets done.

Check in with your siblings, too. Money can be emotionally charged, and what looks like an obvious offer of help to you, could be seen as a power play by your brother or sister.

If you don’t get an enthusiastic “yes!” at first, don’t promise yourself you’ll never bring it up again. And when you reach “a certain age” yourself, give your own children the gift of an easy conversation around money.

Susan Talton is a Client Advisor and CFP® professional at Laird Norton Tyee, with over 25 years of wealth management experience. She is also a member of the Financial Planning Association. Susan enjoys writing about the life transitions that women often are very likely to face. She also frequently writes about retirement, a big transition in itself.

 

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longing to hear “I love you”

My parents are in their 80’s, in failing health and live in a retirement home. I make it a point to be there twice a week and am constantly running small errands for them in the interim. Their form of saying thank you is “we wouldn’t be alive without you.” What I am longing to hear them say are the words “I love you.” Their words seem to lay a further burden on me. What I long for is what I perceive as affection, caring and recognition for me as their child – their daughter, and not as a caregiver.

At one juncture a few months ago, I said to my mother that I crave to hear those words from her and her reply was that I knew she wasn’t the kind of person to verbally express her affection and that I should know that she loves me. However, when I am tired of running and worn out, it tears me apart not to have the comfort that those three words would give me. I have never left their apartment or hung up the phone without saying “I love you” to my parents.

It’s amazing how something so seemingly small can make such a difference. If nothing else, it has made me more conscience of saying those words to my husband and children. Maybe the value is in the lesson learned. What are your thoughts?

 

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circles of women video – rave

“Transcending: Words on Women & Strength” by Kelly Corrigan is a touching affirmation about why we need our circle of girlfriends. Kelly begins with comments about her mom and a “dedicated fleet” of pals. She then illustrates what it means to her to create community of her own peers. This entire dialogue is a tender reminder of why we need each other…… our gal pals!

“Transcending: Words on Women & Strength” by Kelly Corrigan

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