Tag: Dad

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

balancing act when mom is so needy!

February 21, 2013

How do you find time to take care of yourself after a parent’s death when the surviving spouse is so needy? My Dad has recently passed away and my Mom, who was always totally depended on him during 60+ years of marriage, is now looking to me, an only child, to fill the void. With my own husband and children’s needs and full time work, I haven’t had a second to address my own grief. Mom has tough health issues, my husband has work challenges and I need to be there for both. How does one find any kind of balance? I feel jumpy and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I know there must be plenty of others who have gone through the same experiences and would appreciate it if you could share how you coped. written by Janet is Kansas

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in end of life issues, family network, medical & health, the process
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 Responses

POLST and Dad

January 31, 2013

My 87 year old father passed away three weeks ago of a massive brain hemorrage. In the time since, I am unable to shake a feeling of guilt among other emotions. In the midst of rushing to the emergency room, I forgot to grab his POLST off the refrigerator in my parent’s apartment. I thought I knew what it said, as I had read it a while back and provided copies to the retirement facility and his doctor. When faced in the emergency room with an x-ray and two neurosurgeons predicting paralysis, possible loss of speech and a very stormy future should he somehow make it through surgical measures, I felt that the option of comfort care only made sense. My Dad had recently returned from a nursing facility after recovering from pneumonia and he had firmly stated, several times, that he NEVER wanted to return there . Even if some miracle occurred, he would end up back at the nursing home for months, if not forever.

My beloved Dad was dying. I wanted to save him – to fix things somehow – but I couldn’t. My Mom was unable to make any decisions in the heat of the moment, so it was left up to me. Keeping him comfortable to the end seemed the only way and when I asked the second neurosurgeon if I was making the right decision, she was supportive. The doctors asked about intubation; I said I believed he would not have wanted that; that he would not have wanted any kind of invasive measures under the circumstances. They moved him to a private room as he fell into a coma, kept him hydrated and administered morphine if he exhibited signs of discomfort or restlessness. My dad passed away the following day.

A week later, when helping my Mom in their apartment, I noticed his POLST on the refrigerator and removed it. When I got home, I read it. It indicated that he wanted full treatment including intubation with a time limited trial on a ventilator for a reversible cause of respiratory failure, antibiotics if medically indicated and a defined trial of artificial nutrition by tube.

In my head, I know that a massive brain hemorrhage is what it is. A big IF he survived surgery, he would have been a prisoner in a facility he absolutely detested, in a body that was no longer his own to control. In my heart, I am filled with doubt that I did the “right thing”. Did I, didn’t I? Has anyone ever has this experience??? Written by Louise in Arkansas

Share

Related Posts

filed in end of life issues, family network, hospitalization, medical & health, the process
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 Responses

daughters’ quandary – my dad lives alone and …

January 24, 2013

My dad is 96 years old and still lives in his own home. He does his own cooking, etc. and has a housekeeper once a month. I go to visit him once a week (Dad only lives 12 miles away). I do his grocery shopping and take him to doctor appointments etc. My dad  has a bum knee, uses a cane and can’t walk too far. He has macular degeneration very bad in one eye (and is going blind) but otherwise is in good health. My problem is that my husband & I are snowbirds, (we live in Washington) and have a place in California. I don’t feel like I can leave him alone in case something happens to him. I think it would be too traumatic for my dad to have to move and I don’t have room for him. Do I go to California for just a month or stay home with him? others have same problem? written by Gladys

Share

Related Posts

filed in caregiving community, dealing with distance, family network, living arrangements, medical & health, signs of aging, the process
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
4 Responses

selfish or self-care? a daughter’s dilemma

January 17, 2013

I was recently reminded by someone offering some advice on why I was always so exhausted, that I am my parent’s daughter – not their caregiver. I had unconsciously slipped into a role of servitude, running myself ragged between taking them to doctor’s appointments, managing their medications and doing their shopping. Was it that lingering childhood need to prove myself or to assuage some kind of guilt? After much introspection, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take action!

My parents are in a retirement home and for an additional $55 a month each, a nurse on the premises will handle the reordering of pills and fill a pill box for each of them weekly, taking over all of the responsibility attached to the nearly 20 different medications they take between the two of them. This enormously time consuming responsibility is now in her hands. I realized that it was one of the best investments that could be made – $110 a month to preserve my sanity, health, marriage and work load. For an extra $30 once a week, I could have someone do their grocery shopping.

The difference? Now I can spend quality time visiting my Dad and Mom. I am much more relaxed, able to enjoy their company and focus on what they are saying. Be kind to yourself and assess who you really want to be. Sometimes help is right in front of you and all you need to do is take advantage of it. Has anyone out there had this problem???

Written by Joyce in Savannah

Share

Related Posts

filed in family network, financial, the process
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 Responses

caregiving: unpacking the family baggage

December 20, 2012

No one can jump on another person like a family member can…it’s raw emotion, full of stale, unresolved baggage. It falls on you like a ton of bricks. When it comes to giving care to an aging parent, why should we believe it will be different?

5 tips for families taking care of family:

1. Remember the family baggage? The unresolved issues from the past you’ve neatly swept under the proverbial carpet? Once you start down the road of caring for an aging parent, the carpet takes flight and the baggage is exposed. Brothers and sisters who fought before, will fight again. You will revisit issues from the past. Stay alert.

2. Put yourself on the gentle cycle. Now is the time to get that massage, take a long walk, cuddle with your dog. Family caregiving brings a family back together under intense circumstances. You simply must be kind to yourself, which may translate to others as being selfish. Stay true to yourself. Keep your good, best friends on speed dial when you need a quick and supportive message of love.

3. Walk away. Hard as it may be, you may have to excuse yourself from the family. Just because someone needs care, doesn’t mean you have to expose yourself to bad behavior by others. This is not easy. But think of the family member who needs the care…they need calm rather than commotion. Explore just how you can honor your loved one while taking care of yourself.

4. Mom may not love you best. Now is not the time to fight to be mom’s number one kid. It’s not personal. If mom trusts the brother you think is incapable of making all her financial decisions, you must let it go. This is not the time to prove to your mother that you’re really better with finances. There are reasons you mother trusts your brother, and that is just how it is. Unless he’s crooked, he’s your mom’s choice.

5. It doesn’t have to be YOU. Even though you promised your parents “you wouldn’t put them in a nursing home,” you didn’t promise that you, all by yourself, would take care of them. You may not be the right fit to change Dad’s diapers or feed Mom. Get help. You may have promised you’d care for them, but that is not the same as doing the hands-on-caregiving.

If there are any tips you have used feel free to share!

Kari Berit (www.KariBerit.com) is a radio show host, speaker and the author of The Unexpected Caregiver: How Boomers Can Keep Mom & Dad Active, Safe and Independent.

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in family network, the process
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
2 Responses

daughters take care of their mom!

November 15, 2012

“Daughters taking care of Mom”, exactly what my sister and I are doing these days. Mom spent plenty of time wearing that hat in our family. We witnessed her selflessness to extended family without complaint. Mom organized care for Grandma’s 3 siblings as each battled various forms of cancer, taking them to appointments and delivering meals.

Then, Dad was in an industrial accident. Burned 80% of his body, he spent 16 weeks in a BICU. Expecting my second baby when he was burned, I went home with a newborn the same day Mom took Dad home for the first time in 4 months. She learned to change bandages, helped with bathing, feeding, and other necessities until he could do for himself again.

While Dad was in a hospital 150 miles from home, Grandma was diagnosed with melanoma and had surgery. Mom travelled the 150 miles between them to care for two of the most important people in her life (all while she had one daughter at college and another living 400 miles away).

Dad survived his burns and lived long enough to meet 7 grandbabies. Mom and Dad, built their dream home with enough bedrooms for kids and grandkids. But 3 years after moving into their dream home, Dad passed away suddenly.

Six months before losing Dad, Mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She is now mobile only on her scooter. With an Independence assessment from Make My Home Fit, her home is set-up for independence and she manages well. Mom maintains her independence and lives with dignity in the dream home that houses memories of Dad and the dreams they made together. I will tell you that MOM DESERVES IT! What do you think?

submitted by: Cyndi Schmidt, creator of Make  My Home Fit, where home solutions is my business!

 

 

 

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in dealing with distance, family network, living arrangements, medical & health
tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
No Responses

my elderly dad is cared for

October 10, 2012

I have just moved from New York City to Montreal where my parents and siblings live. I am a 59yo Canadian & have two children 25 & 23yo. It was the perfect time to sell my home & move on. No more border crossings, no more long drives alone.

Now I am living in an apartment in the same building as my sister. I am on the 3rd floor , she is on the 5th. My dad lives in a retirement home 15 minutes away and my mom is still in her condo, 10 minutes from me.

This has been the best decision for my family and me. I feel a GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF being this close to my parents, at this stage of their lives.

For my dad’s & my relationship I am most grateful. I was constantly worried about his health as well as his care. For some time now, with several hospitalizations, I have seen a steady decline in his general well being. Luckily in Canada, the application for & payment of assisted living came without too many complications. His new home is well maintained & I know that his medical needs are being attended to. I could see what a challenge this was all becoming for my mom & her obvious resentment.

The way it is now, I can just drop in & brighten up my dad’s day with a 10-minute, one hour or two hour visit. Whatever we both feel like in that moment is how it works. This is bringing me peace of mind & a sense of joy.

Also, since my dad went to the nursing home, my mom is now living completely alone. I stop by to check in on her & pitch in with her chores. Although she selfishly did not want to be my dad’s caregiver, I think she misses the life they once had.

I am happy to help my three siblings, who have, so far, carried the responsibility of my elderly parents care on their own. I do not feel like this is a burden in any way. I am simply one more pair of hands or another body to be available for whatever comes up. Would love to hear comments from anyone else!

Submitted by Diane in Montreal, Canada

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in dealing with distance, family network, financial, living arrangements, medical & health
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 Responses

how do you find a competent, caring doctor for your elderly parents?

August 29, 2012

We are about to change my elderly parents primary physician. A geriatric internist, he is friendly but his follow-up is terrible. Medications that he has prescribed and need his approval for refill languish for weeks, somewhere in limbo, and require multiple calls to get filled. Each of my parents take nearly 20 pills apiece and feels that they are overmedicated. When they have asked him about this, he seems unfamiliar with what he has prescribed for them and states that he will taper them down and then does nothing. They feel that this doctor prescribes pills to mask aches and pains but does little to find the source. However, who is willing to take on new patients in their mid-80’s with numerous ailments, albeit age appropriate?

It is not news that our healthcare system is failing. HMO’s are on the lookout for healthy, profitable patients, according to doctors David Himmelstein and Steffie Woodhandler in “For Patients, Not for Profits”:

Not surprisingly, research shows high satisfaction and good outcomes for healthy HMO members. But even the best HMOs under treat the sick. HMO stroke patients get less rehabilitation and more often end up in nursing homes. Medicare HMO patients are denied needed home care. Depressed patients in HMOs are less likely to be diagnosed, get less treatment, and are more frequently disabled by their illness. Poor, sick patients have a 21% higher risk of dying in HMOs than in fee-for-service care.

How does one go about finding the increasingly rare, caring, responsible doctor willing to treat failing, elderly patients? Your feedback on your experiences would be really appreciated.

 

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in caregiving community, family network, medical & health, signs of aging
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
No Responses

breaking away as caregiver

August 1, 2012

I have worked as a Assisted Living Administrator for many years. I have seen it all! My first piece of advice is to understand, as our parents grow old, they grow even younger at a very fast rate. They revert back to not wanting to go any where with out mom (that has now became you). Basically, they are fearful of doing or being someplace and not having that trusted family member with them. For example, when they forget how to do simple things like fill out a check for a Dr. Office co-pay, they are uncertain & look for your help. Or getting on the facility van and then … what should they do? They will be thinking, “What if I don’t know when to get off the bus?”

If you have children, you will remember when you first put them out into the big world alone. You went with them as they first walked to school, you would come eat lunch with them because it was all too overwhelming at first. Yes, you even brought a set of clean clothes just in case they couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time.

Lord forbid as a grown-up (that has managed a whole lifetime successfully) would have a bowel accident in the dinning room of a assisted living facility with 80 other people watching. This is what is going on in your parents minds! You may not even know that Dad wipes the milk off Mom’s chin at the dinner table or that he cleans her up late into the evening because shortly after bedtime she can’t make it in time to the bathroom. Some things Dad may not share with you.

See the picture I’m painting? You are the only one at this time they trust to cover for them. So, like we did with our children, we break away slowly. This allows our parents to gain trust in the facility. Good idea to stop taking them in your car. Instead,  ride on the van with them a few times, but let the caregiver do the work, the transfers, help getting their coat on etc, etc.

Our seniors need to use what they have paid for. You can tell them, “Dad we are paying $150. a month because the facility has transportation for you. Then move it on to “You have a appointment, you ride in the van and I will be at the Dr. Office when you arrive”. Again, letting the caregiver do all the assistance. Just be with them. Get where I’m going with this? Do the same with the dining room, eat with them, and then slowly start backing off once you can see they are making friends. It’s a long road, but its one I have seen work many times. Blessings and praise to you for your heart of gold, and the willingness to ask for help. Anyone else there?

I have other tips on my site LaneSeniorLiving.com  written by: Tricia Pruen

Share

Related Posts

filed in caregiving community, family network, living arrangements, signs of aging
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
No Responses

why Mom can’t help!

July 4, 2012

My mom & her husband, Sid have been married for 38 years. This is a second marriage for both of them. They each have two children, each having a boy & girl.

Sid’s children believe that he should no longer be driving. They want my mom to back out of the way so that the two of them (Sid’s biological children) can strip him of his car keys. This decision was prompted by many factors. One is that Sid walks with a cane & is very unstable. Another is that he has been taking two medications that together have caused him delusions & slurring his words. The difficulty is this … my mom feels that her first allegiance is to her husband. She feels fiercely protective of him & cannot condone this action. My mom swears that she is monitoring Sid’s medication & that he is a “good driver”. She says that he is not a danger to himself or a menace to others on the road. My mom believes that a man’s dignity & pride are tied up in this issue. I can also see that my mom is trying to preserve Sid’s independence both for him and for herself!

This feels so messy. Is there anyone else out there that has dealt with this??? HELP

 

Share

Related Posts

filed in family network, medical & health, signs of aging
tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 Responses
« Older Posts
© 2010 Our Aging Parents. All rights reserved. Privacy | Contact