Tag: daughter

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

Alzheimer’s & dementia numbers on the rise

It was startling to read, that a new report found that 1 in 3 seniors die with Alzheimer’s or other types of dementia (not the same as dying “from” it). In an AP article written by Lauran Neergard, 5.2 million Americans already have some form of dementia and the numbers will jump to 13.8 million by 2050. The implications are not only frightening as we care for aging parents but even more so in regard to ourselves. As Neergard points out, Alzheimer’s is the sixth-leading cause of death and the only one of those leading killers to have no good treatment. As a typical Boomer in her early 60’s, the odds are pretty good that either my husband or I will be affected. Having seen the horrific toll that caring for a loved one with dementia can exact from both the victims and their families, it is not a burden that we would want our children to have to deal with or remember us by. Now that the stats are out, it is time for our aging population to set a goal to find effective treatment and fund research of this fast growing disease. http://health.usnews.com/health-news/news/articles/2013/03/19/report-1-in-3-seniors-dies-with-not-of-dementia

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caring for 2 moms in 1 household!

After my father passed away at the age of 80 in 2002, my husband and I had the discussion of how we would handle my mother being alone. After a couple of years of running back and forth to tend to her needs (she doesn’t drive and was very dependent on my father), we made the decision to build a home to have not only my mother come and live with us but also my husband’s mom (who had been a widow living alone for 20 years). We had it all planned perfectly. Our single-level house was designed with loads of space for everyone to feel comfortable with plenty of privacy. One big happy family, right? Uh, not so much. While we took into consideration the wonderful opportunity it would be for our mom’s to have us there for them and perhaps the comraderie they might feel toward each other, we failed to seriously consider other issues:

1. Our privacy, our routine, our way of life.

2. The interaction between these two women, who have two very different personalities. Instead of embracing each other, they would come to see each other as competition for my husband’s & my attention.

So, now you’re saying…”What are you two nuts or something?” Well, no! We consider ourselves to be very rational and successful human beings and we expected our mothers to be the same way. Well, they’re just not. They don’t react to life the same way we do. They’re not confident or self-assured women. They’re not outgoing or social. Neither of them have close friends. They not only rely on us for help with medical issues and for help due to physical limitations (i.e grocery shopping, meal prep, etc), which we are happy to give, but they COMPLETELY rely on us for their social and emotional needs. It can be exhausting at times. They can get so wrapped up in themselves, that they forget the impact their needs have on our lives…as if we have no needs at all! Although we both love our mothers very, very much, their behavior has resulted in some resentment from us. We wonder how they could be so selfish and inconsiderate to the people who care for them the most???

I’ve read countless books and articles on care-giving for the elderly, but so far, they haven’t really given me the answers I’m searching for. I realize that having expectations for an 85/86 year old to change character traits is completely unrealistic but why doesn’t the love our parents have for us seem to have a positive impact on their behavior? We treat them with respect, are mindful of their privacy and try to interact with them on an adult-to-adult basis. Perhaps there are mysteries of the aging brain that are impossible to understand. In our hearts, we know we are “doing the right thing”, but the daily weight of it all can break us down, fill us with doubt and cause tension between us.

I come to this blog to seek out the advice and hear the experiences of my fellow care-givers, hoping to find some inspiration to keep on keepin’ on with positive energy. All I can tell you is that I share your pain, fellow caregivers! I do believe we are a special group of individuals that can learn from & support each other!!!

submitted by Barbara

 

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spots on Mom’s clothing

Last week I was at a meeting, deep in thought about the recent loss of my mother at age 94. Toby was explaining the frustrations of caregiving for our declining parents.

“I sat across the table from her and saw spots on her clothes! I am just trying to adjust my memory of a mother who was a fastidious dresser all of her life. How can we just ‘roll’ with these kinds of things—that’s the help I need.”

Toby’s anguish brought me out of my reverie. I saw my own “fashionista mother” as we sat at dinner with food spots-that did not come out in the wash or by her care-giver rubbing them. I revisited my feelings of helplessness and loss—then.

“Toby,” I told her as I put my hand in hers, “I can help you.”

I give you all this vignette as a gift from one daughter’s heart to the hearts of others. It took some planning and courage—but any version of this will make you feel better. It’s one of those things we can sort of control and we face inevitable things I now have learned we cannot control.

Like a recipe: Visit a few cleaners near where you or your mother live. Tell them you are bringing in a large order of clothes that need to be spotted for food spots. Ask if there is a “large order” or senior discount and find out how short a turnaround you can get. ( I actually found a cleaners near my mother that gave a large senior discount.)

You tell your mother it bothers you that many of her clothes have spots on them and you think she may not be aware of this. ( My mother denied it and was sort of mad at me.)

‘Mom, I found a cleaner that gives discounts to seniors and I am taking your clothes with spots over there today.” This is what I said and my mother was not in agreement-I was very strong in my resolve and just really overpowered her to get my way.

I then took everything in her closet—coats, jackets, tops, pants out of her condo and went to the cleaners. I left her two or three outfits that I knew she liked.

I had them back two days later!

I asked the cleaners to put aside any garment with spots that would not come out and I evaluated how bad these stains were. Bad? If they were, they did not go back to the condo. Some things never came back into the closet: silk blouses, light-colored pants with stains—etc.

Yes, she knew I took them. Yes, she was perturbed at me, but I think she had just enough pride left to know that she would now have clean clothes all the time. She did not stay mad!!!

I did this about a year before my mother died, after agonizing over it for a decade!

Please, do not wait as long as I did to form some kind of a plan using my experience!!!

 

written by Laurie

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senior driving: when is it time to stop?

As a child of aging parents we ask ourselves this very question. As a Certified Driver Examiner in the province of Ontario, I know when it’s time. Unfortunately senior don’t either.

In this province, every driver has to go for a written and vision test when they reach the age of 80, and every 2 years after. These folks got their drivers license before Driver Education classes began and there were not so many vehicles on the road.

My father (aged 87) told me he did his drivers test, landed on someone’s front lawn and the examiner jumped out of the car and threw the license at him saying “You passed”.

If someone is involved in a car accident (whether they caused it or not) at age 65 or over, they automatically have to go for a road test, which is a regulation.

In this province, the only one that can suspend a driver’s license for medial reasons is a doctor. It’s the law. When the family speaks to a senior’s doctor regarding concerns for unsafe driving, the doctor has to put the license under medical suspension. The file then goes to Medical Review at the Ministry of Transportation. The suspended driver has to prove they are competent to drive and the process begins. They have up to 3 years to take driving test to regain their license and have to see a doctor to establish that they are healthy enough to drive. Every province and state should adopt the same rules, as we frequently travel to each others country.

If you find yourself in the position of caring for your elderly parents, get some support.

Continue on with YOUR life, do the things that make you happy. Go to the movies; enjoy watching and participating in sporting events that you love. Perhaps get counseling. I did, it really helped. It helped me deal with their aging brains and not get upset at the weird things they said to me.

Seniors don’t realize their senses have diminished; their reaction time has lessened. It’s a known fact that seniors can suffer mini strokes while driving, usually lasting for only second, but that’s all it takes – right?

Once a senior has failed a driving test, the family usually becomes unhappy because they realize now they have to drive the senior around to appointments. But as a caring society, we have to stop being selfish – we can’t have unsafe drivers on the road.

I know the Cancer Society will arrange for transportation if a person is undergoing treatment. In my town the mobile bus (for people with disabilities) will come directly to the house to pick you up if you call before and arrange a time. There are options. If you inquire you can find assistance in your town.

Also, try to pace yourself and get support, from us, from other family members, from neighbors. It will all work out and you will be blessed for your efforts.

Submitted by Carol

 

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after death … in need of a friend!

My very dear girlfriend lost her father five days ago. She is flying home alone today & I offered to pick her up at the airport (yes, at rush hour). I have had time to think about how I could help her. Typically, people will call the person who has lost a loved one & ask, “what can I do for you”? Unfortunately, the adult who has suffered the loss is in their grief. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW what to tell you? I decided to take a different tactic, after a lengthy conversation with a few of my other girlfriends, by the way! Yesterday, I roasted a whole chicken & root vegetables (in disposable pans). Today I made a simple green salad & home made salad dressing. Another friend dropped off home made molasses & chocolate chip cookies. THIS SAYS, WE CARE! No one should have to return from burying a parent and take a taxi home! I was able to get a small group of our mutual friends to prepare to more nights dinners. This says, WE LOVE YOU, We are here for you. It may not be food that your friend needs. It may be YOU! Just your presence. You might simply say something like, “can I just come over & be with you”? Anyone else have an idea about how to help a grieving friend? written by Toby

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mom’s fighting her weekly shower …

My mom is 88 yrs old and has light vascular dementia. Presently, her caregiver is having difficulty with her not wanting to have her weekly shower. She has always been a fanatic about her hygiene and still strives to look her best everyday, complete with wig, jewelry, etc. She had one caretaker that was rough with her, when her regular caretaker who bathes her, was ill and not available. I have since, requested that this particular caretaker not do her bathing anymore. After several weeks, my mom is still resisting her shower, stating that she has already had it. I have reiterated to her how important it is for her to have her regular bathing. I considered setting up a weekly calendar with her, where we can mark off the days together in hopes of engaging her more. Has anyone had experience with this or a similar situation? I need some ideas or your thoughts!

Thanks, Anna

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balancing act when mom is so needy!

How do you find time to take care of yourself after a parent’s death when the surviving spouse is so needy? My Dad has recently passed away and my Mom, who was always totally depended on him during 60+ years of marriage, is now looking to me, an only child, to fill the void. With my own husband and children’s needs and full time work, I haven’t had a second to address my own grief. Mom has tough health issues, my husband has work challenges and I need to be there for both. How does one find any kind of balance? I feel jumpy and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I know there must be plenty of others who have gone through the same experiences and would appreciate it if you could share how you coped. written by Janet is Kansas

 

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dementia – help with Mom

I would like to hear more about dementia patients & how families deal with this. Example: my mother lives in an Adult Family Home. She is wheelchair bound due to numerous fractures & severe osteoporosis & arthritis. Her short term memory is almost non-existent. Mom has her good days & her bad days. When I visit & she is having a bad day, she is depressed, and won’t talk much. She doesn’t believe anything you tell her, complaining about everything from the food to the other residents & on & on. My mom is on an antidepressant. She has gained about 15 lbs in the 9 months she has been there & caregivers tell me she eats well.

This is the dilemma – how do I handle visits when she is like this? I visit about 1x a week. My sister, who lives farther away, visits about once a month. Mom says my sister has never been to see her. I don’t argue with my Mom, but visiting is so frustrating. 

Can anyone tell me how they cope??? Need some help dealing with Mom.  Nancy

 

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selfish or self-care? a daughter’s dilemma

I was recently reminded by someone offering some advice on why I was always so exhausted, that I am my parent’s daughter – not their caregiver. I had unconsciously slipped into a role of servitude, running myself ragged between taking them to doctor’s appointments, managing their medications and doing their shopping. Was it that lingering childhood need to prove myself or to assuage some kind of guilt? After much introspection, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take action!

My parents are in a retirement home and for an additional $55 a month each, a nurse on the premises will handle the reordering of pills and fill a pill box for each of them weekly, taking over all of the responsibility attached to the nearly 20 different medications they take between the two of them. This enormously time consuming responsibility is now in her hands. I realized that it was one of the best investments that could be made – $110 a month to preserve my sanity, health, marriage and work load. For an extra $30 once a week, I could have someone do their grocery shopping.

The difference? Now I can spend quality time visiting my Dad and Mom. I am much more relaxed, able to enjoy their company and focus on what they are saying. Be kind to yourself and assess who you really want to be. Sometimes help is right in front of you and all you need to do is take advantage of it. Has anyone out there had this problem???

Written by Joyce in Savannah

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my once independent mom … gone

I’m just beginning this journey of caring for my elderly mom, my stepfather passed in August. My once independent, I-can-do-anything mom has been reduced to an emotional wreck, unable to make rational decisions for herself. She is making choices for herself that put her health and well-being at risk, and gets VERY upset with me when I try to point out these risks.

My family has moved into mom’s house so I can care for her, and that has been a huge and difficult transition for everyone. Mom now argues with my 8 year old daughter, as if they are BOTH children. And my daughter asks me why grandma is acting so “crazy.” I have very little patience for mom these days, and feel guilty about that. This is only the beginning, and I resent everything about it!!! PLEASE tell me I am NOT THE ONLY ONE feeling this way!  What is anybody else doing?

 

 

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