Tag: Father

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

senior driving: when is it time to stop?

As a child of aging parents we ask ourselves this very question. As a Certified Driver Examiner in the province of Ontario, I know when it’s time. Unfortunately senior don’t either.

In this province, every driver has to go for a written and vision test when they reach the age of 80, and every 2 years after. These folks got their drivers license before Driver Education classes began and there were not so many vehicles on the road.

My father (aged 87) told me he did his drivers test, landed on someone’s front lawn and the examiner jumped out of the car and threw the license at him saying “You passed”.

If someone is involved in a car accident (whether they caused it or not) at age 65 or over, they automatically have to go for a road test, which is a regulation.

In this province, the only one that can suspend a driver’s license for medial reasons is a doctor. It’s the law. When the family speaks to a senior’s doctor regarding concerns for unsafe driving, the doctor has to put the license under medical suspension. The file then goes to Medical Review at the Ministry of Transportation. The suspended driver has to prove they are competent to drive and the process begins. They have up to 3 years to take driving test to regain their license and have to see a doctor to establish that they are healthy enough to drive. Every province and state should adopt the same rules, as we frequently travel to each others country.

If you find yourself in the position of caring for your elderly parents, get some support.

Continue on with YOUR life, do the things that make you happy. Go to the movies; enjoy watching and participating in sporting events that you love. Perhaps get counseling. I did, it really helped. It helped me deal with their aging brains and not get upset at the weird things they said to me.

Seniors don’t realize their senses have diminished; their reaction time has lessened. It’s a known fact that seniors can suffer mini strokes while driving, usually lasting for only second, but that’s all it takes – right?

Once a senior has failed a driving test, the family usually becomes unhappy because they realize now they have to drive the senior around to appointments. But as a caring society, we have to stop being selfish – we can’t have unsafe drivers on the road.

I know the Cancer Society will arrange for transportation if a person is undergoing treatment. In my town the mobile bus (for people with disabilities) will come directly to the house to pick you up if you call before and arrange a time. There are options. If you inquire you can find assistance in your town.

Also, try to pace yourself and get support, from us, from other family members, from neighbors. It will all work out and you will be blessed for your efforts.

Submitted by Carol

 

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after death … in need of a friend!

My very dear girlfriend lost her father five days ago. She is flying home alone today & I offered to pick her up at the airport (yes, at rush hour). I have had time to think about how I could help her. Typically, people will call the person who has lost a loved one & ask, “what can I do for you”? Unfortunately, the adult who has suffered the loss is in their grief. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW what to tell you? I decided to take a different tactic, after a lengthy conversation with a few of my other girlfriends, by the way! Yesterday, I roasted a whole chicken & root vegetables (in disposable pans). Today I made a simple green salad & home made salad dressing. Another friend dropped off home made molasses & chocolate chip cookies. THIS SAYS, WE CARE! No one should have to return from burying a parent and take a taxi home! I was able to get a small group of our mutual friends to prepare to more nights dinners. This says, WE LOVE YOU, We are here for you. It may not be food that your friend needs. It may be YOU! Just your presence. You might simply say something like, “can I just come over & be with you”? Anyone else have an idea about how to help a grieving friend? written by Toby

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a dreaded move to assisted living – help!

When is the time for a parent to move to assisted living? My father passed away four months ago and since then, my mother’s health has steadily deteriorated. Her depression has led her to an almost solitary existence except for the caretakers and my visits. She lives in a retirement home which has limited assisted units available and one has just opened up. It is a studio unit – much smaller than the two bedroom apartment she is living in now.

I know that change can be very difficult for older adults. However, her additional care in independent living is very costly and she is running through her savings at an alarming rate. Assisted living seems to offer better care and includes many of the extras she pays a premium for now.

I hesitate to be the one to make the final decision and desperately want her to “buy in”. She really doesn’t want to make the decision. I am torn between my feeling of responsibility to make sure that my mom is well cared for and my reluctance to become the bad guy – the one who forced her to make a move she really didn’t want to make. How have others dealt with this decision? written by Laurie in Tennessee

 

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fragility of life – how do we balance it all?

Wikipedia defines Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind.

My family has always been small. Over the past few years, my father and my grandmother both passed away. I am an only child. My Mother is in an assisted living residence (thankfully, a wonderful one) several thousand miles from where I live. I feel her slipping away mentally…very much as my Grandmother did. Physically, her health is not good either; but it is the vacancy in her voice that I find the hardest to cope with. Recently, my Mom’s oldest friend was diagnosed with serious health issues and is undergoing chemo. Mom is almost childlike in her focus of how her friend’s illness will affect her(my Mom). She says she isn’t ready to deal with it. I alternate between being frustrated by her total self absorption and just feeling very tender for how fleeting our life on this earth is. Figuring out how to be a support for our aging parents without sacrificing our own health and sanity is a topic of ongoing interest to me. How do other readers find equanimity? submitted by Yvonne in Georgia

 

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girlfriends share

I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend living in the same city that I do, that I have known all of my life. We know each other’s families well because of all the time we spent at one another’s homes, growing up. My mother & her father actually went out on a date together when they were in college.

So you ask, “why is this all so important & relevant”? The answer: due to our ongoing relationship we spend hours discussing what is currently going on with our families & in particular with our aging parents. The topics cover information that is often too personal to discuss with outsiders. It’s just not a conversation I would be having with too many other people.

A perfect example is our ongoing e-mail exchange about my mother’s daily barrage of telephone calls. They are filled with panic and amount to nothing. By that I mean, my mom calls about every ache & pain she has and whether she is too hot or too cold or if the food somehow does not suit her. On the other hand, my girlfriend’s mother has no telephone to call out on, as they took it away from her! She broke her hip a year and a half ago trying to use the phone. Today, since she has dementia, she would not even know how to use one any more.

I love my husband and my siblings but I do not know what I would do without my best girlfriend, Samantha. Who is that special someone that you can talk to? written by Jill in Alabama

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when a medical alert becomes alarming!

I have noticed that my 86 year old father has memory loss and while it is probably age appropriate, it has also made me wonder at times if overmedication is part of the cause. Then, when reading the New York Times, I saw that Federal health officials had released a safety alert regarding statins, which many seniors, like Dad, take for cholesterol. They said that there may be rare risks of forgetfulness, confusion, muscle pain and even diabetes. Lipitor, Vytorin, Crestor and Zocor were among those named.

This reminded me of when alerts were first released for Fosamax and other bisphosphonates which had been prescribed for my mother and her severe osteoporosis. After years on the drug, she suddenly lost her ability to swallow, also described as a rare side effect of this pill. She had never had any prior esophagus trouble, so Fosamax became suspect! Right?

How seriously should we view these warnings? Big drug companies understandably play down the side effects of these huge sellers. And how does one decide which is worse – using the drug to treat a serious medical problem and ignoring the “rare” consequences or refuse to take it and risk the health issue becoming much worse? Would love to hear from others how they weigh and make their decisions for both themselves and loved ones.

To read the article I refer to, go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/29/health/fda-warns-of-cholesterol-drugs-side-effects.html

submitted by Norma

 

 

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’tis the season – rave

In the midst of this holiday season I have come upon others who have inspired & enlightened me. Instead of the usual frantic internal feelings this time of the year causes me, I am in a more serene place. Why? Two things happened.

First, I went to a book signing for Linda Cohn, author of “1,000 Mitzvahs”. Why did she inspire me? Because she chose a project, to do one thousand acts of kindness, to honor her father after he passed away. The discussion at the event was robust. Questions like “what counts?” If you begin an act of kindness & it does not come to fruition, does it count? I began to see how our perspective & daily outlook effects how we feel. These, even simple deeds, can bring personal gain.

The second thing that I feel energized by is a project inicated  by Kaycee Krysty, the former CEO and now “president emerita” of the Seattle wealth management firm, Laird Norton Tyee. Kaycee “believes baby boomers are redefining an age once known as the end of work and productivity. She is challenging her generation to write 65 words on turning 65. I applaud her ambition to create a culture of aging that is life-affirming, satisfying & meaningful.

As we approach the end of the year, I am finding ways to avoid the “doom & gloom” mentality of the past & live in the moment with a more positive outlook. If it is true that “we are our thoughts” then we certainly can contribute to the quality of our day.

Please share your wisdom with us …. this is how we learn …. we all have a story ….

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watch sodium levels

I am a married empty nester. My parents are in their mid-80’s, living in a nearby retirement home. A few weeks ago, I received an agitated, early morning, call from my father that my mother was in agony, shaking and very confused. I rushed over to their apartment to find my mom shaking so hard that she couldn’t hold a drinking glass and complaining that she needed to urinate every ten minutes. We rushed her to the emergency room, where, after several tests, they found her sodium level to be dangerously low – almost at convulsion level. It took 9 days of hospitalization to bring it up to low normal levels, with rises and dips almost every day along the way. The cause could have been one of several things: her new anti-depressant is venlafaxine, which in rare cases can cause sodium loss; she and my father are careful to eat salt-free or low-salt foods as they have read many articles on the bad effects of salt on the elderly. My mom consumes very little salt; she is not much of a liquid drinker and dehydration could have played a role (coffee is not a hydrater!). I share this because I was told that dangerously low sodium (hyponatremia) can be fatal if not caught. Watch for headaches, confusion, weakness and/or tiredness. Your input?

 

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50 years of friendship – still going strong

girlfriends matter

It was 1961 when we met in. We lived in a Baltimore suburb & attended 5th grade. I had moved to the city 2 years before. Val had recently lost her father in the line of duty (police) and found herself in a new community and a new school. Val was seated beside me, and a friendship was born.

We were in school for 5 years together, before we were sent to different high schools and then my family moved away. But, our bond was deep and would not be broken. We grew up in an era of strict parents, some fabulous music (the Beatles) and all sorts of world-changing events. Recall the show/movie, “Hairspray.” We lived that life! From the start, I always admired Val’s sense of calm and her loyalty to our friendship.

Letter writing and an annual visit back to Maryland kept us connected. We were maid of honor in each other’s wedding, and were there at every life event, although Val lived in Maryland, and I moved around the country. Holding her daughter in my arms at her baptism was an amazing experience. We became immersed in everyday life with 5 children between us. My father went into a coma; she visited me daily in the hospital and was at the funeral. Twenty years later, when I returned to Maryland to help my mother with a serious health/life crisis, she was right there with her usual calm and strength, providing me with resources and emotional support. This past year, she struggled in a life and death battle of her own with her daughter’s life-threatening Lupus. When a kidney transplant was the only answer, Val said of course, she would donate her kidney.

Now that our children are grown, we make the time to meet somewhere each year. In October, we will be celebrating our 50 years of friendship in Key West, a vacation that Val declares will be “the vacation of her life.” It will be a special time indeed, of reflecting back, enjoying the moment, and dreaming about the future!

If you feel inspired please share about your special friendship!

 

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sandwich generation – what does it look like?

Does this sounds familiar? You are married and have 3 children. Two of your kids are teenagers. You have aging parents in their 80′s. Your mother lives in a Long Term Care facility after suffering a massive stroke.  Your father, after 50 years of marriage, is now a bachelor living on his own. Your husband is a busy executive. You are a busy mom at home & at work. Your job is helping to figure out what’s next in life!

Sandwich Generation

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