Tag: long distance

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

my elderly dad is cared for

October 10, 2012

I have just moved from New York City to Montreal where my parents and siblings live. I am a 59yo Canadian & have two children 25 & 23yo. It was the perfect time to sell my home & move on. No more border crossings, no more long drives alone.

Now I am living in an apartment in the same building as my sister. I am on the 3rd floor , she is on the 5th. My dad lives in a retirement home 15 minutes away and my mom is still in her condo, 10 minutes from me.

This has been the best decision for my family and me. I feel a GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF being this close to my parents, at this stage of their lives.

For my dad’s & my relationship I am most grateful. I was constantly worried about his health as well as his care. For some time now, with several hospitalizations, I have seen a steady decline in his general well being. Luckily in Canada, the application for & payment of assisted living came without too many complications. His new home is well maintained & I know that his medical needs are being attended to. I could see what a challenge this was all becoming for my mom & her obvious resentment.

The way it is now, I can just drop in & brighten up my dad’s day with a 10-minute, one hour or two hour visit. Whatever we both feel like in that moment is how it works. This is bringing me peace of mind & a sense of joy.

Also, since my dad went to the nursing home, my mom is now living completely alone. I stop by to check in on her & pitch in with her chores. Although she selfishly did not want to be my dad’s caregiver, I think she misses the life they once had.

I am happy to help my three siblings, who have, so far, carried the responsibility of my elderly parents care on their own. I do not feel like this is a burden in any way. I am simply one more pair of hands or another body to be available for whatever comes up. Would love to hear comments from anyone else!

Submitted by Diane in Montreal, Canada

 

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only child & far away asks “what is help”?

February 1, 2012

A prior post titled “the river denial” prompted me to think about my own experience in dealing with my elders. Denial is far more than a river for my family. It’s a destination residence clung to with a tenacity that makes a pit bull look like a pocket puppy. My grandmother is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. My Mom is in poor health (aggravated by a life time of poor choices) and starting to show signs of mental deterioration. My Dad died 7 years ago as a result of his own poor choices. I’m an only child and live all the way cross country–probably not an accident (if I am really honest). I’m good at organizing and taking care of things that need to be done. I’m not good at catering to someone’s distorted views of reality. I feel like a terrible daughter. Is it really reasonable for a parent to be unwilling and/or unable to care for themselves AND be mean spirited and uncooperative when someone tries to help? And what is “help”? If someone has had a life time of making bad choices, is it “helpful” to try & make good choices for them when they need someone else to be involved; or is this just meddling? Do you make the choices that are “best” for them? Or the ones that they would most likely have made for themselves? It is just one of those days I am questioning my role as their daughter and only child. Has anyone else had this dilemma?

 

Submitted by Joan in Alaska

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the need to please – being raised a good girl

September 21, 2011

need to please turning toxic!My intent was never to become a caregiver. I have always been a career girl, encouraged by my parents to be self-sufficient and independent. Never, they’d say, ever EVER would they lean on me in their old age. At the same time, I have always been a pleaser – wanting everyone to be happy and having a difficult time saying “no”. Lately, this combination has become toxic.

Last year my parent’s health began to decline. As they lived in another city, I was always dashing back and forth when I would receive a frantic “emergency” phone call. Yes, I’d be there. Yes, I would drop everything in this crisis. Yes, I’d cook. Yes, I’d call the doctors. Yes, yes, yes… As an only child, I had no other siblings to rely on. It became apparent that my parents were increasingly becoming less able to care for themselves and that they just didn’t want to try. My mother, in particular, suddenly went from being the one in charge to the one who had no interest in anything but her needs! When I hired help to come into their home, the cost quickly shot through the roof, close to $10,000 a month.

Soon it made more sense to move them closer to where I live. I selected a retirement home that had both independent and assisted living, which I thought would please my parents. It is a lovely place with lots of activities, transportation, beautiful surroundings and a seemingly caring staff. However, my parents refuse to use the transportation and participate in any activities except the nightly dinners provided in the dining room. I soon found myself doing their shopping, driving them to endless doctor’s appointments and such. Have I enabled them – yes? In my need to please, my life has turned into a nightmare, affecting myself, my work and my family life. Do I know how to extricate myself – no? No matter how hard I try to push them to take charge of any part of their own lives, they refuse to do so.

So what do I do? Refuse to take them anywhere? It is easy to say set boundaries, but much harder to follow through. When I try, they just sit there and don’t make any effort. Is there anyone out there who has or is going through the same experience? While I know I am responsible for creating my own hell, I am truly reaching out to you for help…..

 

 

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the river denial

August 24, 2011

the river denial

My parents are in their mid 80′s and live a 2 hour plane ride from me. My sister lives 45 minutes from my parents but I am not sure if that is the blessing or the curse….Since we have different interactions with my parents (hers more often than mine) I tend to question my perception about my parents health & living situation. I believe that my parents are in denial about their health and how long they can stay in their home. They currently have help four days a week to clean the house, food shop, care for their two golden labs & run errands that my parents can no longer manage. I would like to have a open conversation with everyone, my parents, my sister & myself to discuss next steps. I seem to be THE ONLY ONE who feels this would be a good idea. WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE WAITING FOR? H E L P … anyone out there have any wisdom to share?

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isn’t that what girlfriends are for?

April 20, 2011

girl*ologyYesterday it was my turn to host some girlfriends for our monthly get-together. One of my parents has been ill, so the first question they asked was about how things were progressing. After responding, I, in turn, asked the same question of another gal. An hour later, the conversation still revolved around our aging Dads and Moms; the trials and tribulations of caregiving. Whether it was from a distance or in close proximity, the four of us were dancing as fast as we could to the same tune: we all work, have grown children with needs, siblings to deal with, husbands and so on. In the midst of comparing notes, one woman’s cell phone began to ring insistently. She finally excused herself and went into the other room. A few minutes later we could hear her shouting her concerns into the phone. She was speaking with her elderly Mother in Florida. When she returned,40 minutes later, none of us said a word – we just silently walked over & all at once wrapped our arms around her. After all, isn’t that what girlfriends are for?

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long distance

January 12, 2011

I found out over the weekend that my 88-year-old father living in Florida is suffering from bladder cancer. Since my husband and I live in Seattle, I am exactly at the opposite corner of  the country & unable to be there to help him through this.

It pains me and causes me great guilt to be so far away.  The only godsend is that my brother, sister-in-law, and my father’s (only) grandchildren live in Florida & are there to help him during this terrible time.

Hope this helps me & others gain perspective. . .as my brother said, there is never a “good time.”

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aging parent on dialysis – advice needed!

October 20, 2010

dialysis-unitMy Mom has been on dialysis for the last six years, since turning age 78. She became very ill with chronic renal (kidney) failure and her first year of illness was brutal. She could never return to her apartment and we tried assisted living, which lasted one week. We begged her to do her physical therapy and to work to improve her strength. But she could not and/or would not, and a steady decline, both physically and mentally began. She has lived in a full care facility, not being able to care for herself in any way. Taken by wheelchair she dutifully goes to her dialysis three times a week, no longer able to contemplate choice. Although the first few years she would remark that she hated dialysis, but figured she had to continue. My sister lives near her and visits often. Also, companions have been hired to add extra tender loving care. Sadly my mother continues to retreat into her own world, hardly speaking anymore. Of course, we love our mother so very much and this has been a very hard emotional journey. I’d be interested in hearing about other aging parents on dialysis. Thank you for this fine website.

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losing my mother

June 14, 2010

My mom has been gone just over 2 years and lived to age 91 with amazing will and zest for life until the last years of terrible pain from osteoporosis. We lived 2600 miles apart, with her remaining fiercely independent in her life in Washington, D.C. and me, the eldest daughter, entrenched in Seattle. It was hard, but she had absolutely no interest in moving so far away from her own roots…and I needed to respect that, no matter the stress that it caused me nightly. Her having enough resources for me to hire absolutely terrific caregivers graced us, but they weren’t me. I was the director of the “plan” and also sweated out every snowstorm, illness, and setbacks. Managing long distance was exhausting, but different from the challenges that you face as the family member on site every day. Her picture looks towards me from my dresser and I miss her even though we would tangle constantly over decisions. It broke my heart every time to leave her despite all my mixed emotions. The cross-country trips were about every 5 weeks for those last 2years…no regrets.

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