Tag: loved ones

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caregiving: unpacking the family baggage

December 20, 2012

No one can jump on another person like a family member can…it’s raw emotion, full of stale, unresolved baggage. It falls on you like a ton of bricks. When it comes to giving care to an aging parent, why should we believe it will be different?

5 tips for families taking care of family:

1. Remember the family baggage? The unresolved issues from the past you’ve neatly swept under the proverbial carpet? Once you start down the road of caring for an aging parent, the carpet takes flight and the baggage is exposed. Brothers and sisters who fought before, will fight again. You will revisit issues from the past. Stay alert.

2. Put yourself on the gentle cycle. Now is the time to get that massage, take a long walk, cuddle with your dog. Family caregiving brings a family back together under intense circumstances. You simply must be kind to yourself, which may translate to others as being selfish. Stay true to yourself. Keep your good, best friends on speed dial when you need a quick and supportive message of love.

3. Walk away. Hard as it may be, you may have to excuse yourself from the family. Just because someone needs care, doesn’t mean you have to expose yourself to bad behavior by others. This is not easy. But think of the family member who needs the care…they need calm rather than commotion. Explore just how you can honor your loved one while taking care of yourself.

4. Mom may not love you best. Now is not the time to fight to be mom’s number one kid. It’s not personal. If mom trusts the brother you think is incapable of making all her financial decisions, you must let it go. This is not the time to prove to your mother that you’re really better with finances. There are reasons you mother trusts your brother, and that is just how it is. Unless he’s crooked, he’s your mom’s choice.

5. It doesn’t have to be YOU. Even though you promised your parents “you wouldn’t put them in a nursing home,” you didn’t promise that you, all by yourself, would take care of them. You may not be the right fit to change Dad’s diapers or feed Mom. Get help. You may have promised you’d care for them, but that is not the same as doing the hands-on-caregiving.

If there are any tips you have used feel free to share!

Kari Berit (www.KariBerit.com) is a radio show host, speaker and the author of The Unexpected Caregiver: How Boomers Can Keep Mom & Dad Active, Safe and Independent.

November is National Family Caregivers Month

November 8, 2012

On November 1, 2012, President Barack Obama signed a Proclamation, which reads in part, “During National Family Caregivers Month we recognize and thank the humble heroes who do so much to keep our families and our communities strong.”

A family caregiver may be a parent, spouse, adult child or friend who is responsible for the daily needs of another person. They balance the needs of a loved one while trying to take care of the rest of their family and themselves, plus work, volunteer, or go to school. Becoming a family caregiver can happen suddenly. A severely handicapped child is born, a spouse has a stroke, a diagnosis is given, or parents can no longer take care of themselves. Unplanned, it is a stressful occasion.

Caregiving consists of two parts. One part is the medically related situations that require immediate attention. The other part is the issues that arise daily and do not have an end. These are the day-to-day assistance needed by someone: monitoring medications, stocking groceries, and paying the other person’s bills. All this is being done in addition to everything else the caregivers are already doing in their own life.

You know family caregivers even if you don’t realize it. They don’t advertise their situation, it’s just part of their lives. You stand in line next to them in the store, sit by them at the high school football game or next to them in church. They are your neighbors, coworkers and friends. Don’t shy away from them. Being a family caregiver is not contagious, and neither is the life situation that has made them a caregiver.

If you know a person who is a family caretaker, lend them a hand by offering to help with specific tasks. Let them know you are able to help by picking up the groceries for their housebound parent, supplying a monthly dinner to the caregiver’s family, being available to help in an emergency (remember, these caregivers are often juggling numerous family duties) or sometimes more importantly, lending an ear or shoulder to cry on when needed. A friendly phone call, e-mail, or greeting card can make a difference in a caregiver’s day.

It’s easy to tell a caregiver to take care of himself or herself, but it is hard for a caregiver to do. Assist them by taking them out for a cup of coffee, or stopping by their house with a cup of hot cocoa on a scheduled visit. Treat a caregiver the same way you would like to be treated – with kindness and respect, and a little TLC.

As stated in the White House Proclamation, “National Family Caregivers Month is a tune to reflect on the compassion and dedication that family caregivers embody every day. As we offer our appreciation and admiration for their difficult work, let us also extend our own offers of support to them and their loved ones.”

Submitted by: Gincy Heins

financial considerations of caregiving

June 20, 2012

We often talk about care giving without addressing a crucial question. How does the caregiver survive economically when they’re devoting both their financial and personal resources (time, energy) to personally tending to their aging parent(s)? Before someone makes a major commitment like this, they need to give careful consideration to his or her own fiscal future. If unable to work and drawing from one’s personal assets to oversee a loved one, the caregiver may discover that he/she now has less money in his/her own retirement account. They may also have problems re-entering the job market after taking a personal hiatus, especially in an already shaky economy. What should one consider financially before becoming a caregiver and what resources should they already have in place? Let us know your thoughts!

everything’s coming up roses

April 18, 2012

Sometime, a long time ago, my mom and I were always at odds, yet I learned young not to exacerbate any controversial situations. The writing, after all, was on the wall and the outcome, wholly predictable. Over the last 36 years, I have been practicing yoga, for the last decade or more as a flowing, breathing moving meditation called The FullBodyElixir(www.CalleyONeillYoga.com) In addition, I am reading the Abraham-Hicks works, listening over and over of late. Also, loving The Power of NOW and my all time favorite THE MASTER KEY SYSTEM by Charles Haanel. All of these systems I have tried actually, amazingly, effectively work to clear the neural pathways of our minds: programming from the pilikia (Hawaiian for troubles, or trauma and drama) to a conscious, sound, positive stable mind. We all are coming to know we are a result of all of our past thinking and we are getting our predominant thinking patterns back to us in the form of life’s relationship and situations.

What is amazing is that between my sister and myself, my mom, at a young 84 is waking up through persistently being pointed to the positive, to the positive, to the positive. To be the love that you want is truly the only answer. So my mom is an awakening being…a not so happy marriage, and still she wakes up everyday, letting it go and letting it go… and we keep sharing our evolution and she sees the results. We have gone from so much pilikia to this: at the end of every phone conversation… every single one, we sing… EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES FOR ME AND FOR YOU…. and the more we focus on this the more it comes into our daily reality.

Watch your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words for they become your actions, watch your actions for they become your habits… watch your habits for they become your destiny…(old Chinese proverb)

I send this to you Toby, and all your readers with so much love and compassion and aloha,

submitted by Calley in Kamuela, HI

Alzheimer’s breakthrough

February 29, 2012

The New York Times reported on February 2,2012 in an article by Gina Kolata, that a path has been found for the spread of Alzheimers. Testing on genetically engineered mice showed that while the disease seems to spread like a virus or bacteria, it is actually a distorted protein – tau. What are the implications of this discovery? “The surprising finding answers a longstanding question and has immediate implications for developing treatments, researchers said. In addition, they suspect that other degenerative brain diseases like Parkinson’s may spread in a similar way”. While this breakthrough discovery may not immediately affect our aging loved ones, it could dramatically alter medical treatment for the “boomer” generation, significantly improving quality of life in the later years. Maybe you know someone this could help & want to share?

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/health/research/alzheimers-spreads-like-a-virus-in-the-brain-studies-find.html?_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha2

Submitted by Catherine in NYC

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caregiving: searching for the sacred

February 15, 2012

Taking care of someone involves a serious amount of stress and strain, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Many of you reading this know this first hand. In some of the work I have been doing in the area of baby boomer spirituality, it has become obvious that, in the United States, we have created a new life stage called “care-giver”. Yes, we have always had care-givers. However, what really has set this apart in our times is the fact that, due to the blessings of medical technology, this life stage can now last months, even years. I am fond of reminding audiences that I prefer not to use the term “sandwich” generation, rather prefer the term “club sandwich” generation, as multi generation care-giving is no longer a rarity.

The length of this new life stage presents us and our society, with challenges unforeseen a generation ago. And, as we sit with our parents, many of us wonder quietly, if this is our future as well.

I would like to suggest that this new year of 2012 provide us with an opportunity to look at how those of us who walk this walk, can be strengthened in this journey. Often, despite the best of intentions, care-givers do their job in isolation. As many of you know, that care-giver is often a woman who must juggle a job, and/or family along with a loved one. Often, in the midst of this juggling of schedules and logistics, there is a sense of being or feeling spiritually depleted. There is a real need for religious institutions to recognize this growing trend of care-giving and to provide avenues for supporting the care-giver. Some congregations have very active support networks for individuals and families involved in care-giving. Some congregations I know of, have actually scheduled special services that honor the care-giver, or created moments when they are recognized and blessed. After all, the Commandment to “honor and respect” our parents appears three times in the Bible and carries with it, regardless of your affiliation, the understanding that this act is sacred.

Why not, in this new year, seek out ways in which your religious congregation can honor, support and celebrate those who take care of loved ones. It will be an opportunity to bring the sacred into the moment and bless the presence of those who do this powerful work.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.Min

www.jewishsacredaguing.com

older is ok

January 4, 2012

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play, on the computer, until 2 AM or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70′s and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one or when a child suffers or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day,if I feel like it.

Here’s to growing older with grace! How about you?

Submitted by Toby

enlightened perspective

December 28, 2011

WRITTEN BY ANDY ROONEY

 I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.   I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.   I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.  I’ve learned ….That being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.   I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.   I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.   I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.   I’ve learned…. That simple walks wi th my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.   I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.   I’ve learned… . That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.   I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.   I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.   I’ ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.   I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.   I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.   I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.   I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.   I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.   I’ve learned.. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.  I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.   I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.   I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom and Dad that I love them one more time before they passed away.   I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.   I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.   I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned …. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.   I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

As the year comes to a close think of those close to you & all that you have to be grateful for! Please share what you have learned.

lighting the lights of the soul

December 21, 2011

“Tis the season”, so they say. Here it is December & with it the arrival of what we now know as “the holidays”. Kwanzaa, Christmas and Chanukah come calling and with them the promiscuity of merchandising that marks our culture.

In the midst of all the seasonal hype it is easy to loose some of the symbolism of the season. Lights and light form a very powerful part of each of these festivals. No doubt these festivals, at the darkest part of the year, have their origin in some pre-historic pagan need to drive out the darkness. What I want to look at now is the power of light and what it means.

Light stands for many things in religious life: life, hope, faith & also memory. We who are, or have been care-givers, can relate to this in a powerful and personal way. Many of us now are watching the “light” of a loved one slowly fade. It is not easy. It demands great attention and it is filled with the reality of loss.

It is easy, especially at this time of year, to turn into ones self and allow the darkness of that loss or despair overwhelm us. Yet, that is where the lights of the season can speak to a higher reality. Let me suggest that the lights we light at this season are really a part of the light of our loved ones soul. We light these lights and the light they give off help to drive out the darkness of loss. We engage in the power and beauty of memory. It is a memory that may be tinged with some sadness, especially if the person we remember is no longer available to us. But the light of their life and their soul has been part of our own journey. Their light is now within us, and, as long as we remember, that light will remain.

That is also part of what we do as care-givers. We bring the light of our own soul to those to whom we minister. This is, in a very real sense, sacred work; which is why the command to “honor father and mother” is so central to all religious traditions. I hope this message of light finds some resonance to those who are caring for a loved one and may you find, in this season of family, life and memory, the power and strength to continue to bring the light of comfort to those in need.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.MIn

www.jewishsacredaging.com

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caregiving: unpacking the family baggage

Related Posts

November is National Family Caregivers Month

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financial considerations of caregiving

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everything’s coming up roses

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Alzheimer’s breakthrough

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caregiving: searching for the sacred

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older is ok

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enlightened perspective

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lighting the lights of the soul

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