Tag: siblings

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

February 28, 2013

My grandmother suddenly lost her partner last April and didn’t want to live alone in their traditional apartment. My parents offered to take her in to their home and have admitted to my sister and me that they didn’t put a lot of thought into it before asking her. They did tell her however, that while they are away four months of the year wintering in Texas, that she would have to go stay with her other daughter in town, my aunt. My aunt can be difficult and that only lasted for one month before my grandmother insisted on coming back to my parents house. She said she is not going back there next year. This year it worked out okay because my sister and her husband are temporarily staying at my parents house for the next two months while they are away and can look after my grandmother. Next year will be a problem. My mother worries about her and doesn’t want her staying in the house alone. My grandmother says she will be fine!

One of the greatest joys for my parents is going to Texas for the winter. My grandmother used to join them occasionally but says now that she doesn’t want to be that far from her doctor. My mom would really like for my grandmother to look into the retirement home a mile and a half from their home but doesn’t know how to bring it up. She is in reasonably good health and my mom feels that having activities to do will keep her younger. My grandmother doesn’t want any part of it. Meanwhile, my parents have rearranged many aspects of their live for her. My dad pretty much lives in his bedroom but wouldn’t dream of hurting my grandmothers feelings by asking her to leave. I am from the polite family, so there is a lot of silent suffering going on! My mom wants to start a conversation with my grandmother about checking out the retirement place but doesn’t know how to go about it. I am looking for advice from people who have been in this situation to know what to and not to say. I should mention that while I love my grandmother very much, she has been spoiled all her life and everyone always caters to her. How can I help my mom find the courage and words to make this a win win for everyone.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom. Submitted by Mechelle

dementia – help with Mom

February 14, 2013

I would like to hear more about dementia patients & how families deal with this. Example: my mother lives in an Adult Family Home. She is wheelchair bound due to numerous fractures & severe osteoporosis & arthritis. Her short term memory is almost non-existent. Mom has her good days & her bad days. When I visit & she is having a bad day, she is depressed, and won’t talk much. She doesn’t believe anything you tell her, complaining about everything from the food to the other residents & on & on. My mom is on an antidepressant. She has gained about 15 lbs in the 9 months she has been there & caregivers tell me she eats well.

This is the dilemma – how do I handle visits when she is like this? I visit about 1x a week. My sister, who lives farther away, visits about once a month. Mom says my sister has never been to see her. I don’t argue with my Mom, but visiting is so frustrating.

Can anyone tell me how they cope??? Need some help dealing with Mom. Nancy

should Dad be driving?

January 3, 2013

This is a huge problem! My step-dad is 92yo & lives independently with my mom, who is 82yo. My step-sister has had serious concerns recently about her dad driving & believes that we should do an intervention. Since I am two hours away by plane, I did little but ask what I could do from afar. The answer was to get my mom “on board” with the idea of taking away Richard’s car keys. I called my brother (who lives 30minutes drive from them) and convinced him to call our mom to start the conversation. Well, that went over like a lead balloon! Her response was, “Richard is a fine driver!”

My mom left the house that morning, slamming the door & yelling as she left, “your children are on their way here to take away your car keys!” As you can imagine, that really set Richard off. An hour later, he met both of his children at the front door of their house, arms crossed over his chest and declared, “NOT GOING TO HAPPEN”.

I clearly understand my step-sister and step-brother’s concerns. They raise the chilling question of, “it is bad enough if my dad gets in a car accident & dies but what if he kills an innocent family????” This is a scary thought & she raises a legitimate question.

To date this has not been resolved & I do not have a solution, only more questions. Does anyone else have any ideas or experiences with this?

Submitted by Susan in Florida

my elderly dad is cared for

October 10, 2012

I have just moved from New York City to Montreal where my parents and siblings live. I am a 59yo Canadian & have two children 25 & 23yo. It was the perfect time to sell my home & move on. No more border crossings, no more long drives alone.

Now I am living in an apartment in the same building as my sister. I am on the 3rd floor , she is on the 5th. My dad lives in a retirement home 15 minutes away and my mom is still in her condo, 10 minutes from me.

This has been the best decision for my family and me. I feel a GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF being this close to my parents, at this stage of their lives.

For my dad’s & my relationship I am most grateful. I was constantly worried about his health as well as his care. For some time now, with several hospitalizations, I have seen a steady decline in his general well being. Luckily in Canada, the application for & payment of assisted living came without too many complications. His new home is well maintained & I know that his medical needs are being attended to. I could see what a challenge this was all becoming for my mom & her obvious resentment.

The way it is now, I can just drop in & brighten up my dad’s day with a 10-minute, one hour or two hour visit. Whatever we both feel like in that moment is how it works. This is bringing me peace of mind & a sense of joy.

Also, since my dad went to the nursing home, my mom is now living completely alone. I stop by to check in on her & pitch in with her chores. Although she selfishly did not want to be my dad’s caregiver, I think she misses the life they once had.

I am happy to help my three siblings, who have, so far, carried the responsibility of my elderly parents care on their own. I do not feel like this is a burden in any way. I am simply one more pair of hands or another body to be available for whatever comes up. Would love to hear comments from anyone else!

Submitted by Diane in Montreal, Canada

girlfriends share

September 26, 2012

I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend living in the same city that I do, that I have known all of my life. We know each other’s families well because of all the time we spent at one another’s homes, growing up. My mother & her father actually went out on a date together when they were in college.

So you ask, “why is this all so important & relevant”? The answer: due to our ongoing relationship we spend hours discussing what is currently going on with our families & in particular with our aging parents. The topics cover information that is often too personal to discuss with outsiders. It’s just not a conversation I would be having with too many other people.

A perfect example is our ongoing e-mail exchange about my mother’s daily barrage of telephone calls. They are filled with panic and amount to nothing. By that I mean, my mom calls about every ache & pain she has and whether she is too hot or too cold or if the food somehow does not suit her. On the other hand, my girlfriend’s mother has no telephone to call out on, as they took it away from her! She broke her hip a year and a half ago trying to use the phone. Today, since she has dementia, she would not even know how to use one any more.

I love my husband and my siblings but I do not know what I would do without my best girlfriend, Samantha. Who is that special someone that you can talk to? written by Jill in Alabama

mom’s clothes go MIA

June 13, 2012

My mother, who is in her late 70’s and lives in an elder care facility, recently fell and broke her hip. After surgery, she was moved to a nursing home to recover, which appeared to be a lovely facility. As it had both a recovery unit and independent living quarters, I even thought that this might be a great place for her to live after she was fully mobile again.

When I went to visit her this weekend, I was beyond shocked when I entered her room and found her only clothed in a pair of Depends and a hospital gown. When I asked her why she didn’t have her clothing on, she kept insisting that she didn’t have any. I reminded her that I had just bought her some comfortable new jeans and tops which were right in the closet in the room. After arguing back and forth, I flung open the closet door only to find that it was empty!

It took me a few moments to regain my composure and start to consider where these garments could have disappeared to. When I confronted an employee, I couldn’t seem to get a straight answer. After much questioning, as I got more and more insistent, he said that her clothing was being laundered. ALL of it I asked? And what was she supposed to wear meanwhile? Oh, they would clothe her in a hospital gown, he replied. What about when she goes to the dining room to eat? He replied that they would put a second gown over the first, reversing it so her backside would also be covered. To say I was appalled and angry didn’t even begin to cover it. He suggested that I visit one of the social workers to see if her clothes could be tracked down and even tried to place the blame on my shoulders, saying that I should have marked each item of clothing with her name in a permanent marker – something that was never brought up to me by the staff.

While I had heard that personal items may “disappear” in some care facilities, I had never imagined anything like this. Now I will have to go out and purchase new clothing, and, of course, will insist that I will pick up and launder her clothes. Meanwhile, if these items never show up again, shouldn’t the facility have to reimburse us? Who takes responsibility? I work full time and my brothers live out-of-state, so I am the one handling all of this. While making arrangements for my mom after her fall have been very stressful, now I will have to police her possessions and run back and forth doing laundry. Finding a different facility would be difficult and moving her again would be traumatic for her. Has anyone put their parent into a retirement facility & had this happen? WHAT DID YOU DO?

everything’s coming up roses

April 18, 2012

Sometime, a long time ago, my mom and I were always at odds, yet I learned young not to exacerbate any controversial situations. The writing, after all, was on the wall and the outcome, wholly predictable. Over the last 36 years, I have been practicing yoga, for the last decade or more as a flowing, breathing moving meditation called The FullBodyElixir(www.CalleyONeillYoga.com) In addition, I am reading the Abraham-Hicks works, listening over and over of late. Also, loving The Power of NOW and my all time favorite THE MASTER KEY SYSTEM by Charles Haanel. All of these systems I have tried actually, amazingly, effectively work to clear the neural pathways of our minds: programming from the pilikia (Hawaiian for troubles, or trauma and drama) to a conscious, sound, positive stable mind. We all are coming to know we are a result of all of our past thinking and we are getting our predominant thinking patterns back to us in the form of life’s relationship and situations.

What is amazing is that between my sister and myself, my mom, at a young 84 is waking up through persistently being pointed to the positive, to the positive, to the positive. To be the love that you want is truly the only answer. So my mom is an awakening being…a not so happy marriage, and still she wakes up everyday, letting it go and letting it go… and we keep sharing our evolution and she sees the results. We have gone from so much pilikia to this: at the end of every phone conversation… every single one, we sing… EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES FOR ME AND FOR YOU…. and the more we focus on this the more it comes into our daily reality.

Watch your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words for they become your actions, watch your actions for they become your habits… watch your habits for they become your destiny…(old Chinese proverb)

I send this to you Toby, and all your readers with so much love and compassion and aloha,

submitted by Calley in Kamuela, HI

mums … what’s a girl to do?

March 14, 2012

My mum called me ranting about my dad “He’s just so awful – I’m gong to look at a home to put him in!” She had already tried to get doctors to certify him as having dementia and finally succeeded with a memory test that I’m sure would have certified her and me as well! So at 89yo my dad has a normal amount of brain cell loss. My mum thinks that gives her some kind of ammo to rationalize moving him out of their condo. Mind you, this is the same condo she decided, unilaterally, to move them into while dad was recovering from a hip replacement a year ago. I know my mum’s scared of taking care of him and she ‘s backed into a corner by refusing to look at assisted living options, but I finally blurted “Go ahead, so you can finally get rid of him and be happy”. She didn’t talk to me for a month. Finally I confronted her to discover our blow up caused the family to talk to each other more honestly and my mum actually shifted her attitude to a more positive one. Like mother’s milk the other siblings are more open to helping my Dad and in turn he is happier and healthier. One person’s behavior can affect everyone around them in a good or a bad way. Can anyone else relate????

Submitted by Angelia in Sacramento

financial checkups

February 22, 2012

What is it about our presence in the doctor’s office that brings comfort to our parents? Whether they are dealing with the ongoing struggle of a long term illness, or faced with a sudden health crisis, we are with them to share their anxiety, ask the right questions and pay attention to the answers, take notes, and later remind them of the doctor’s recommendations and next steps.

Have you thought about taking part in your parents’ next meeting with their financial advisor?

Running out of money is the biggest fear our elders have. Not always a rational fear, but in my experience it’s felt almost universally, regardless of someone’s current financial circumstances. What is the number two fear among elders? Becoming a burden to their children.

It’s crucial, in this arena, to think in terms of collaboration. This isn’t about asking your parents to give up control or their financial independence. So it’s not “Here, let me do this for you, don’t trouble yourselves about your investments any more, I can take over that responsibility.” Best to look for openings. Maybe you could just ask: With the dour economy and difficult choices investors are making now, is there any way that you can help with these decisions? Do they want you to go with them when they visit their “money doctor”? Are they feeling pushed to make larger gifts to the charities they have supported for years? Has their financial advisor invited them to bring family members into the conversation? Or, another option is for you to go first yourself. Ask your parents for their advice, or tell them how you’ve handled your own estate planning and ask their opinion. If the right time presents itself, ask if you can help make sure what’s important to them gets done.

Check in with your siblings, too. Money can be emotionally charged, and what looks like an obvious offer of help to you, could be seen as a power play by your brother or sister.

If you don’t get an enthusiastic “yes!” at first, don’t promise yourself you’ll never bring it up again. And when you reach “a certain age” yourself, give your own children the gift of an easy conversation around money.

Susan Talton is a Client Advisor and CFP® professional at Laird Norton Tyee, with over 25 years of wealth management experience. She is also a member of the Financial Planning Association. Susan enjoys writing about the life transitions that women often are very likely to face. She also frequently writes about retirement, a big transition in itself.

sibs where are you?

November 16, 2011

I’m feeling like all the care of Mom and Dad–taking them to doctors (heart doctors, psych doctors, eye doctors, ear specialists, urologists), taking them on outings, conferring with their caregivers about all the details of their needs, buying them clothes, a lift chair, selling their couch and now their buffet, buying and trying to install their air conditioner, paying their bills, staying on top of their investments, sitting beside them at the emergency room (more times than I can count) and much much more–is too much for me alone. I want help. I want at least one thing I don’t have to be responsible for. I’d like one thing I don’t have to do the legwork on. I’d love to hand off some of the other duties, say bill paying and doing background checks on the caregivers, but this one more thing totally overwhelms me.

My younger sister is getting right on the Power of Attorney documents–and & I want her to talk with our parents about their resuscitation wishes.

I’d love for my older brother to take the lead on talking with an accountant and come up with a salary package for our main caregiver and withholding taxes and figuring out vacation or sick benefits.

I don’t know if my siblings have any idea how much time and energy and hours our parents take! Their latest issues are constantly on my mind. Right now it’s Dad’s uncharacteristic change in behavior and Mom’s psych medicine, which I fear, has turned her into a zombie (although the anxiety has lessened).

I’m sorry to dump this all at once, but please, please, I need my siblings to pitch in where you can!

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

how to have “the talk” – my mother’s worries

Related Posts

dementia – help with Mom

Related Posts

should Dad be driving?

Related Posts

my elderly dad is cared for

Related Posts

girlfriends share

Related Posts

everything’s coming up roses

Related Posts

mums … what’s a girl to do?

Related Posts

financial checkups

Related Posts

sibs where are you?

Related Posts

Subscribe

pages

Categories

Blogroll

Archives

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Subscribe

Follow Us

pages

Categories

Blogroll

Archives