Tag: sister

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

dementia – help with Mom

February 14, 2013

I would like to hear more about dementia patients & how families deal with this. Example: my mother lives in an Adult Family Home. She is wheelchair bound due to numerous fractures & severe osteoporosis & arthritis. Her short term memory is almost non-existent. Mom has her good days & her bad days. When I visit & she is having a bad day, she is depressed, and won’t talk much. She doesn’t believe anything you tell her, complaining about everything from the food to the other residents & on & on. My mom is on an antidepressant. She has gained about 15 lbs in the 9 months she has been there & caregivers tell me she eats well.

This is the dilemma – how do I handle visits when she is like this? I visit about 1x a week. My sister, who lives farther away, visits about once a month. Mom says my sister has never been to see her. I don’t argue with my Mom, but visiting is so frustrating. 

Can anyone tell me how they cope??? Need some help dealing with Mom.  Nancy

 

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daughters take care of their mom!

November 15, 2012

“Daughters taking care of Mom”, exactly what my sister and I are doing these days. Mom spent plenty of time wearing that hat in our family. We witnessed her selflessness to extended family without complaint. Mom organized care for Grandma’s 3 siblings as each battled various forms of cancer, taking them to appointments and delivering meals.

Then, Dad was in an industrial accident. Burned 80% of his body, he spent 16 weeks in a BICU. Expecting my second baby when he was burned, I went home with a newborn the same day Mom took Dad home for the first time in 4 months. She learned to change bandages, helped with bathing, feeding, and other necessities until he could do for himself again.

While Dad was in a hospital 150 miles from home, Grandma was diagnosed with melanoma and had surgery. Mom travelled the 150 miles between them to care for two of the most important people in her life (all while she had one daughter at college and another living 400 miles away).

Dad survived his burns and lived long enough to meet 7 grandbabies. Mom and Dad, built their dream home with enough bedrooms for kids and grandkids. But 3 years after moving into their dream home, Dad passed away suddenly.

Six months before losing Dad, Mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She is now mobile only on her scooter. With an Independence assessment from Make My Home Fit, her home is set-up for independence and she manages well. Mom maintains her independence and lives with dignity in the dream home that houses memories of Dad and the dreams they made together. I will tell you that MOM DESERVES IT! What do you think?

submitted by: Cyndi Schmidt, creator of Make  My Home Fit, where home solutions is my business!

 

 

 

 

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my elderly dad is cared for

October 10, 2012

I have just moved from New York City to Montreal where my parents and siblings live. I am a 59yo Canadian & have two children 25 & 23yo. It was the perfect time to sell my home & move on. No more border crossings, no more long drives alone.

Now I am living in an apartment in the same building as my sister. I am on the 3rd floor , she is on the 5th. My dad lives in a retirement home 15 minutes away and my mom is still in her condo, 10 minutes from me.

This has been the best decision for my family and me. I feel a GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF being this close to my parents, at this stage of their lives.

For my dad’s & my relationship I am most grateful. I was constantly worried about his health as well as his care. For some time now, with several hospitalizations, I have seen a steady decline in his general well being. Luckily in Canada, the application for & payment of assisted living came without too many complications. His new home is well maintained & I know that his medical needs are being attended to. I could see what a challenge this was all becoming for my mom & her obvious resentment.

The way it is now, I can just drop in & brighten up my dad’s day with a 10-minute, one hour or two hour visit. Whatever we both feel like in that moment is how it works. This is bringing me peace of mind & a sense of joy.

Also, since my dad went to the nursing home, my mom is now living completely alone. I stop by to check in on her & pitch in with her chores. Although she selfishly did not want to be my dad’s caregiver, I think she misses the life they once had.

I am happy to help my three siblings, who have, so far, carried the responsibility of my elderly parents care on their own. I do not feel like this is a burden in any way. I am simply one more pair of hands or another body to be available for whatever comes up. Would love to hear comments from anyone else!

Submitted by Diane in Montreal, Canada

 

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why Mom can’t help!

July 4, 2012

My mom & her husband, Sid have been married for 38 years. This is a second marriage for both of them. They each have two children, each having a boy & girl.

Sid’s children believe that he should no longer be driving. They want my mom to back out of the way so that the two of them (Sid’s biological children) can strip him of his car keys. This decision was prompted by many factors. One is that Sid walks with a cane & is very unstable. Another is that he has been taking two medications that together have caused him delusions & slurring his words. The difficulty is this … my mom feels that her first allegiance is to her husband. She feels fiercely protective of him & cannot condone this action. My mom swears that she is monitoring Sid’s medication & that he is a “good driver”. She says that he is not a danger to himself or a menace to others on the road. My mom believes that a man’s dignity & pride are tied up in this issue. I can also see that my mom is trying to preserve Sid’s independence both for him and for herself!

This feels so messy. Is there anyone else out there that has dealt with this??? HELP

 

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when surgery may not be the right choice

May 2, 2012

My mother, 87yo, lives across the country but close to my younger sister. I was called to D.C. suddenly to have a “family meeting” about a new development regarding our mother’s health.

My sister reported that my mom had exhibited uncharacteristic behavior. Besides shortness of breath, Mom tended to stop as she was walking along to “window shop and look around”. Not typical behavior. I asked why she did that? Heart beating quickly, can’t get her breath? She could not pinpoint why she stopped. My sister & I thought … just the aging process.

Unfortunately this seemed to be more frequent & we decided to see a heart specialist. Through a stethoscope exam, the physician diagnosed a huge heart murmur. He further stated that Mom’s life was threatened by this condition. The cardiologist recommended we scheduled an angiogram to see what it looked like inside.

After confirming on the angiogram and making an appointment with the surgeon to choose open heart or to try to get a procedure through a leg artery (that is still only available to her as a randomized trial) a close family friend, who is a physician, scheduled a second opinion.

The second physician confirmed that everything we heard was completely true. This cardiologist however, pointed out that Mom has a great lifestyle, & in her late 80’s, would not be offered this procedure in a European country because of her age. He said that since she is not symptomatic yet (but will be without any doubt) the third option was to do nothing at this time. The doctor said it is very likely that she would not come out of the surgery the same cheerful optimistic person that she is today.

Conclusion? There is no real conclusion in health care until the actual end. Ours is a wait and see. You never know what you will eventually do. But we chose lifestyle over surgery. Also, it is a huge decision (and the decision, in the end, is the patient’s) Truly, it was good to have both sisters there as well as my Mother’s sister for support in that.

Maybe you have a reason for a second opinion you would like to share. Written by Linda in Scottsdale

 

 

 

 

 

 

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everything’s coming up roses

April 18, 2012

Sometime, a long time ago, my mom and I were always at odds, yet I learned young not to exacerbate any controversial situations. The writing, after all, was on the wall and the outcome, wholly predictable. Over the last 36 years, I have been practicing yoga, for the last decade or more as a flowing, breathing moving meditation called The FullBodyElixir(www.CalleyONeillYoga.com) In addition, I am reading the Abraham-Hicks works, listening over and over of late. Also, loving The Power of NOW and my all time favorite THE MASTER KEY SYSTEM by Charles Haanel. All of these systems I have tried actually, amazingly, effectively work to clear the neural pathways of our minds: programming from the pilikia (Hawaiian for troubles, or trauma and drama) to a conscious, sound, positive stable mind. We all are coming to know we are a result of all of our past thinking and we are getting our predominant thinking patterns back to us in the form of life’s relationship and situations.

What is amazing is that between my sister and myself, my mom, at a young 84 is waking up through persistently being pointed to the positive, to the positive, to the positive. To be the love that you want is truly the only answer. So my mom is an awakening being…a not so happy marriage, and still she wakes up everyday, letting it go and letting it go… and we keep sharing our evolution and she sees the results. We have gone from so much pilikia to this: at the end of every phone conversation… every single one, we sing… EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES FOR ME AND FOR YOU…. and the more we focus on this the more it comes into our daily reality.

Watch your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words for they become your actions, watch your actions for they become your habits… watch your habits for they become your destiny…(old Chinese proverb)

I send this to you Toby, and all your readers with so much love and compassion and aloha,

submitted by Calley in Kamuela, HI

 

 

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the river denial

August 24, 2011

the river denial

My parents are in their mid 80′s and live a 2 hour plane ride from me. My sister lives 45 minutes from my parents but I am not sure if that is the blessing or the curse….Since we have different interactions with my parents (hers more often than mine) I tend to question my perception about my parents health & living situation. I believe that my parents are in denial about their health and how long they can stay in their home. They currently have help four days a week to clean the house, food shop, care for their two golden labs & run errands that my parents can no longer manage. I would like to have a open conversation with everyone, my parents, my sister & myself to discuss next steps. I seem to be THE ONLY ONE who feels this would be a good idea. WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE WAITING FOR? H E L P … anyone out there have any wisdom to share?

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Mom diagnosed with Alzheimer’s

August 3, 2011

I have just finished watching the movie, “A Time to Remember”. It is the story of a struggling artist & single mom, Britt Calhoun, (Dana Delany) who returns home for Thanksgiving to face her wealthy mother, Maggie (Doris Roberts) and the troubled history they share. Britt gets more than she bargained for when a dramatic secret comes to light about her mother’s health. This touching movie sensitively explores the power of family ties. Some lines from the movie follow -

Britt: “Mom, I know. Aunt Billy told me. We will get through this”. Aunt Billy: “Britt, you are already helping. You came home!”

Britt: “Mom, I am glad that I came home. I love you & I want to help you. You need to let me help you.” Maggie: “Children aren’t suppose to take care of their parents. I’m afraid! I have no control over this & one of these days I won’t even know who you are.” Britt: |”Just know that I love you.”

Britt gives her Mom a photo album, carefully compiled by her & says, “now you can find the past whenever you need to”.

Maggie says to those gathered at the Thanksgiving dinner table, “with family we have the capacity to forgive & be forgiven as in no other place in life. Time & memory are so fleeting. We must savor every moment because it could slip away without our noticing it. Here’s a toast to my family!”

please chime in if you have seen this or are dealing with a similar situation…

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