Tag: stress

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caregiving: unpacking the family baggage

December 20, 2012

No one can jump on another person like a family member can…it’s raw emotion, full of stale, unresolved baggage. It falls on you like a ton of bricks. When it comes to giving care to an aging parent, why should we believe it will be different?

5 tips for families taking care of family:

1. Remember the family baggage? The unresolved issues from the past you’ve neatly swept under the proverbial carpet? Once you start down the road of caring for an aging parent, the carpet takes flight and the baggage is exposed. Brothers and sisters who fought before, will fight again. You will revisit issues from the past. Stay alert.

2. Put yourself on the gentle cycle. Now is the time to get that massage, take a long walk, cuddle with your dog. Family caregiving brings a family back together under intense circumstances. You simply must be kind to yourself, which may translate to others as being selfish. Stay true to yourself. Keep your good, best friends on speed dial when you need a quick and supportive message of love.

3. Walk away. Hard as it may be, you may have to excuse yourself from the family. Just because someone needs care, doesn’t mean you have to expose yourself to bad behavior by others. This is not easy. But think of the family member who needs the care…they need calm rather than commotion. Explore just how you can honor your loved one while taking care of yourself.

4. Mom may not love you best. Now is not the time to fight to be mom’s number one kid. It’s not personal. If mom trusts the brother you think is incapable of making all her financial decisions, you must let it go. This is not the time to prove to your mother that you’re really better with finances. There are reasons you mother trusts your brother, and that is just how it is. Unless he’s crooked, he’s your mom’s choice.

5. It doesn’t have to be YOU. Even though you promised your parents “you wouldn’t put them in a nursing home,” you didn’t promise that you, all by yourself, would take care of them. You may not be the right fit to change Dad’s diapers or feed Mom. Get help. You may have promised you’d care for them, but that is not the same as doing the hands-on-caregiving.

If there are any tips you have used feel free to share!

Kari Berit (www.KariBerit.com) is a radio show host, speaker and the author of The Unexpected Caregiver: How Boomers Can Keep Mom & Dad Active, Safe and Independent.

caregiving: a need for respite

December 6, 2012

For the past two and a half years I have been a professional caregiver for a company called Comfort Keepers. I go to the houses, apartments, and memory care units that my clients call home and do whatever I can to help them stay where they want to be. Most of the time, a spouse or adult child has been the primary caregiver for that person and my presence is a big change for the family.

These family caregivers love their parents and are doing a wonderful job of providing care-though they often don’t feel like they are! The truth is, caring for another person is a huge job and no one can do it alone. More often than not, I meet a family when they are at a point when everyone in the care partnership is stressed out, tired out, and burned out. My first thought is often, “I wish you had called sooner!” But I have met enough families to know that asking for help is never easy, especially when it involves bringing a stranger into the home.

Asking for someone to come and spend a few hours with your loved one can make a huge impact. One gentleman I worked with was recovering from a major surgery and couldn’t move around very well. His daughter was very involved, but it was difficult for her to spend every night with her father since she worked full-time and had teenaged children at home. Her father and I spent the evenings visiting and listening to the big band music he loved when he was serving in WWII. We struck up a fast friendship and really enjoyed each other’s company. That simple act of spending time together brought so much joy to his life (and mine!) and it gave his daughter time with her own children.

If you are considering bringing in professional in-home care, here are twenty questions to ask to ensure that you are bringing a high-quality caregiver into your home.

http://comfortkeepers.com/office-546/information-center/20-questions-brochure. I have seen first hand how much it helps families to bring in some help, whether that help comes from me, or a neighbor, or a relative. Anyone can scrub the toilet or make the bed, so don’t be afraid to delegate those jobs to someone else. Outside help can bring relief from the day to day jobs of housekeeping, administering medicine, and going to frequent doctor’s appointments. Outside help can provide your loved one with more socialization and opportunities to stay engaged in life. But outside help will never replace the special bond you have with your parents or spouse. However, if you bring in even a little bit of outside help you will most likely find yourself with more time and energy for the activities you and your love one enjoy most.

submitted by: Amy Kirkeide, Comfort Keepers, Blaine, MN

November is National Family Caregivers Month

November 8, 2012

On November 1, 2012, President Barack Obama signed a Proclamation, which reads in part, “During National Family Caregivers Month we recognize and thank the humble heroes who do so much to keep our families and our communities strong.”

A family caregiver may be a parent, spouse, adult child or friend who is responsible for the daily needs of another person. They balance the needs of a loved one while trying to take care of the rest of their family and themselves, plus work, volunteer, or go to school. Becoming a family caregiver can happen suddenly. A severely handicapped child is born, a spouse has a stroke, a diagnosis is given, or parents can no longer take care of themselves. Unplanned, it is a stressful occasion.

Caregiving consists of two parts. One part is the medically related situations that require immediate attention. The other part is the issues that arise daily and do not have an end. These are the day-to-day assistance needed by someone: monitoring medications, stocking groceries, and paying the other person’s bills. All this is being done in addition to everything else the caregivers are already doing in their own life.

You know family caregivers even if you don’t realize it. They don’t advertise their situation, it’s just part of their lives. You stand in line next to them in the store, sit by them at the high school football game or next to them in church. They are your neighbors, coworkers and friends. Don’t shy away from them. Being a family caregiver is not contagious, and neither is the life situation that has made them a caregiver.

If you know a person who is a family caretaker, lend them a hand by offering to help with specific tasks. Let them know you are able to help by picking up the groceries for their housebound parent, supplying a monthly dinner to the caregiver’s family, being available to help in an emergency (remember, these caregivers are often juggling numerous family duties) or sometimes more importantly, lending an ear or shoulder to cry on when needed. A friendly phone call, e-mail, or greeting card can make a difference in a caregiver’s day.

It’s easy to tell a caregiver to take care of himself or herself, but it is hard for a caregiver to do. Assist them by taking them out for a cup of coffee, or stopping by their house with a cup of hot cocoa on a scheduled visit. Treat a caregiver the same way you would like to be treated – with kindness and respect, and a little TLC.

As stated in the White House Proclamation, “National Family Caregivers Month is a tune to reflect on the compassion and dedication that family caregivers embody every day. As we offer our appreciation and admiration for their difficult work, let us also extend our own offers of support to them and their loved ones.”

Submitted by: Gincy Heins

girlfriends share

September 26, 2012

I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend living in the same city that I do, that I have known all of my life. We know each other’s families well because of all the time we spent at one another’s homes, growing up. My mother & her father actually went out on a date together when they were in college.

So you ask, “why is this all so important & relevant”? The answer: due to our ongoing relationship we spend hours discussing what is currently going on with our families & in particular with our aging parents. The topics cover information that is often too personal to discuss with outsiders. It’s just not a conversation I would be having with too many other people.

A perfect example is our ongoing e-mail exchange about my mother’s daily barrage of telephone calls. They are filled with panic and amount to nothing. By that I mean, my mom calls about every ache & pain she has and whether she is too hot or too cold or if the food somehow does not suit her. On the other hand, my girlfriend’s mother has no telephone to call out on, as they took it away from her! She broke her hip a year and a half ago trying to use the phone. Today, since she has dementia, she would not even know how to use one any more.

I love my husband and my siblings but I do not know what I would do without my best girlfriend, Samantha. Who is that special someone that you can talk to? written by Jill in Alabama

mom’s clothes go MIA

June 13, 2012

My mother, who is in her late 70’s and lives in an elder care facility, recently fell and broke her hip. After surgery, she was moved to a nursing home to recover, which appeared to be a lovely facility. As it had both a recovery unit and independent living quarters, I even thought that this might be a great place for her to live after she was fully mobile again.

When I went to visit her this weekend, I was beyond shocked when I entered her room and found her only clothed in a pair of Depends and a hospital gown. When I asked her why she didn’t have her clothing on, she kept insisting that she didn’t have any. I reminded her that I had just bought her some comfortable new jeans and tops which were right in the closet in the room. After arguing back and forth, I flung open the closet door only to find that it was empty!

It took me a few moments to regain my composure and start to consider where these garments could have disappeared to. When I confronted an employee, I couldn’t seem to get a straight answer. After much questioning, as I got more and more insistent, he said that her clothing was being laundered. ALL of it I asked? And what was she supposed to wear meanwhile? Oh, they would clothe her in a hospital gown, he replied. What about when she goes to the dining room to eat? He replied that they would put a second gown over the first, reversing it so her backside would also be covered. To say I was appalled and angry didn’t even begin to cover it. He suggested that I visit one of the social workers to see if her clothes could be tracked down and even tried to place the blame on my shoulders, saying that I should have marked each item of clothing with her name in a permanent marker – something that was never brought up to me by the staff.

While I had heard that personal items may “disappear” in some care facilities, I had never imagined anything like this. Now I will have to go out and purchase new clothing, and, of course, will insist that I will pick up and launder her clothes. Meanwhile, if these items never show up again, shouldn’t the facility have to reimburse us? Who takes responsibility? I work full time and my brothers live out-of-state, so I am the one handling all of this. While making arrangements for my mom after her fall have been very stressful, now I will have to police her possessions and run back and forth doing laundry. Finding a different facility would be difficult and moving her again would be traumatic for her. Has anyone put their parent into a retirement facility & had this happen? WHAT DID YOU DO?

“boomer” addiction spikes

June 6, 2012

I was watching my local evening news tonight, while eating dinner, when they aired an alarming story in regard to “Baby Boomers”. While alcohol is the most popular addiction for our age group, prescription drug dependence has spiked dramatically: The older we get, the easier it becomes to get a doctor to prescribe medication for aches and pains. With retirement, there are fewer consequences to suffer, as there is not a workplace to hold one accountable for being under the influence. According to the newscast, “Experts predict the number of 50-plus addicts could double in the next eight years.”

My mom is in her 80’s and needs a pill to sleep and an anti-depressant to function. She was prescribed a pain pill when she fractured her rib, which has long since healed, but insists she still needs the pill for residual pain. Mom is definitely an addict and when I have brought up my concerns about this to her physician, he brushes it off.

When I spoke to a close relative about the situation, his response was “If she’s happy, why worry?” Do I need to? And what about the anti-depressant I take because my doctor prescribed it to help me deal with the constant stress of being a caregiver? WHO else out there can relate? Written by Claire in Seattle

http://www.king5.com/health/New-face-of-drug-use—Baby-Boomers-140806613.html

Spring – a season of renewal & cleansing

April 4, 2012

Happy Easter and Passover! April is the month, this year that finds these two major religious festivals arriving on the same weekend. They are BOTH powerful holidays that speak to so many issues. For the caregiver in each of us, these festivals can be both bitter and sweet. We hopefully can be with friends and family. Yet, for many of us, we will sit down to a family Easter dinner or Passover seder very mindful that some people are not with us. Perhaps for the first time, we will struggle to find a sense of meaning beyond the pro-forma obligations of hosting or cooking or attending a service.

In that sense, I want to offer a small message that I hope you have a chance to think about. It is a message that comes, really, from the insights of both holidays. Both of these major events (so central to both Judaism and Christianity) speak to us in a profound way. The symbolism of the holidays carries with them a message of renewal and hope in the midst of great transition. The Easter story of Jesus and the Passover exodus from Egypt are powerful symbols of what is possible in our own life.

The stresses, burdens and joys of caregiving often provide us with opportunities to examine our own life. Both holidays propel us to consider that we need to not sacrifice our lives, dreams and hopes. They remind us that each of us can be renewed & in a sense, reborn, if we can shake the fear of change and growth and transition from our own souls. For so many who are feeling weighed down by the issue of caring for a loved one, these holidays can provide a sense of liberation and meaning. There is a higher purpose being served and this often lonely wandering, can provide a foundation for personal growth.

There is a tradition within the Jewish community as Passover nears, to clean out the non Passover acceptable foods (the leaven). There is a ritual that accompanies this cleansing. It is a metaphor for what these festivals can teach. Each of us, every year, is given the opportunity to clean out from our lives and souls, that which enslaves us. Easter and Passover, in their own ways, try and remind us that we are free to cross over our own personal sea and seek that which frees our souls. This transition does not come in a flash. It often is cumulative over time, until we arrive at a place in our life when we take all that has happened to us, embrace it and learn from it and move on into a future of our choosing.

May your holidays be sweet and joyous and healthy.

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.Min

www.jewishsacredaging.com

jewishsacredaging.com on Facebook

caregiving: searching for the sacred

February 15, 2012

Taking care of someone involves a serious amount of stress and strain, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Many of you reading this know this first hand. In some of the work I have been doing in the area of baby boomer spirituality, it has become obvious that, in the United States, we have created a new life stage called “care-giver”. Yes, we have always had care-givers. However, what really has set this apart in our times is the fact that, due to the blessings of medical technology, this life stage can now last months, even years. I am fond of reminding audiences that I prefer not to use the term “sandwich” generation, rather prefer the term “club sandwich” generation, as multi generation care-giving is no longer a rarity.

The length of this new life stage presents us and our society, with challenges unforeseen a generation ago. And, as we sit with our parents, many of us wonder quietly, if this is our future as well.

I would like to suggest that this new year of 2012 provide us with an opportunity to look at how those of us who walk this walk, can be strengthened in this journey. Often, despite the best of intentions, care-givers do their job in isolation. As many of you know, that care-giver is often a woman who must juggle a job, and/or family along with a loved one. Often, in the midst of this juggling of schedules and logistics, there is a sense of being or feeling spiritually depleted. There is a real need for religious institutions to recognize this growing trend of care-giving and to provide avenues for supporting the care-giver. Some congregations have very active support networks for individuals and families involved in care-giving. Some congregations I know of, have actually scheduled special services that honor the care-giver, or created moments when they are recognized and blessed. After all, the Commandment to “honor and respect” our parents appears three times in the Bible and carries with it, regardless of your affiliation, the understanding that this act is sacred.

Why not, in this new year, seek out ways in which your religious congregation can honor, support and celebrate those who take care of loved ones. It will be an opportunity to bring the sacred into the moment and bless the presence of those who do this powerful work.

Shalom,

Rabbi Richard F Address, D.Min

www.jewishsacredaguing.com

sibs where are you?

November 16, 2011

I’m feeling like all the care of Mom and Dad–taking them to doctors (heart doctors, psych doctors, eye doctors, ear specialists, urologists), taking them on outings, conferring with their caregivers about all the details of their needs, buying them clothes, a lift chair, selling their couch and now their buffet, buying and trying to install their air conditioner, paying their bills, staying on top of their investments, sitting beside them at the emergency room (more times than I can count) and much much more–is too much for me alone. I want help. I want at least one thing I don’t have to be responsible for. I’d like one thing I don’t have to do the legwork on. I’d love to hand off some of the other duties, say bill paying and doing background checks on the caregivers, but this one more thing totally overwhelms me.

My younger sister is getting right on the Power of Attorney documents–and & I want her to talk with our parents about their resuscitation wishes.

I’d love for my older brother to take the lead on talking with an accountant and come up with a salary package for our main caregiver and withholding taxes and figuring out vacation or sick benefits.

I don’t know if my siblings have any idea how much time and energy and hours our parents take! Their latest issues are constantly on my mind. Right now it’s Dad’s uncharacteristic change in behavior and Mom’s psych medicine, which I fear, has turned her into a zombie (although the anxiety has lessened).

I’m sorry to dump this all at once, but please, please, I need my siblings to pitch in where you can!

new life stage gives “moments of meaning”

October 5, 2011

Let me suggest that we now have created a new life stage: that of Care-giver. For centuries we have had people who took care of others; friends, parents, children, etc. However, given the explosion of longevity that has come about at the same time as rapid advances in medical technology and you have a recipe for what so many of us are doing. We live in the age of the long term care-giver. This new life stage comes with a variety of issues; many perceived as negative (stress, re-adjusment of schedules, financial issues and the like), while some may be unintended positive consequences.

I speak of opportunities for our generation to reconcile previous parent-child issues, to see in those quiet moments of care a re-evaluation of relationships and, perhaps, an appreciation for what our loved one’s life really has meant. There is a spiritual quid-pro-quo it seems, that often takes place within a family dynamic. Perhpas it arises in a quiet moment when you are helping a parent in and out of a car and you come to realize that this once strong and proud mom or dad is now frail and depending on you, a dependancy that often goes unexpressed. At those moments, often unexpected by the way, a sense of quiet evolves. There is a moment when you realize that this natural order of things is meant to be and that maybe, these moments are actually a gift that will allow a transitioning of the traditional parent-child roles. And yes, these moments are often fleeting and often previous roles re-appear. But, for that briefest of moments, we become aware that the “rules” are changing.

Part of that realization is that, as a result of the care we give, we change as well. Perhaps in ways we never thought would be possible. These new realities, I suggest, are moments of spiritual growth. We can learn from them, not only how to care for others, but, if we are careful, how to care for ourselves. I hope to explore some of these spiritual moments in future columns and invite your response,

Rabbi Richard F. Address, D.MIn

www.jewishsacredaging.com

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

caregiving: unpacking the family baggage

Related Posts

caregiving: a need for respite

Related Posts

November is National Family Caregivers Month

Related Posts

girlfriends share

Related Posts

“boomer” addiction spikes

Related Posts

Spring – a season of renewal & cleansing

Related Posts

caregiving: searching for the sacred

Related Posts

sibs where are you?

Related Posts

new life stage gives “moments of meaning”

Related Posts

Subscribe

pages

Categories

Blogroll

Archives

welcome to girlfriends with aging parents

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Related Posts

Subscribe

Follow Us

pages

Categories

Blogroll

Archives